Barack Obama - My Fake Diary

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Dear Diary,

Well, I've been President for a year now and still haven't done a single thing. Except flown round and round the world in circles for no reason at all, except to get on American TV news. I got a surprise in London, Diary, when I found out that the British not only have no interest in the USA, they see the place as a complete joke. The mightiest country in the world a joke! Them Limeys are crazy, why, Americans have - er, Americans ... have ...

Anyway, looks like what the British call 'cannon fodder' - American soldiers - are going to stay in Iraq. Michelle told me that Iraq is a British colony, but I laughed at that! I mean, as if soldiers of the mightiest country in the world that won independence from Britain in 1776 would still be sending their soldiers to die in ... a British colony ... for oil ... and will never win ... that war ...

OK, quickly changing the subject, I am here today in [whichever next tiny nation tells me what to do, choose from Israel, Saudi Arabia, UK, Leeward Islands] to say nothing, but to say nothing in a ridiculously long-winded and - I think we can now boldly say - self-important way, to hide the fact that I am merely a waffling windbag that represents a nation that has no importance any more in the world, yes I am.

Well, many have long wondered what the USA actually exists for any more, and I guess I haven't a clue, Diary, maybe a token waffling nobody like me or my predecessor - a drunken, imbecilic drug addict - about sums up the once-admired United States of America. Whose soldiers are dying in the Middle East, and for what? When America was a powerful nation it adopted the Monroe Doctrine, which is the whole point of the USA existing - to never again get involved in British and European colonial wars, in fact to never fight a war outside of America again. And now look at things!

Since 1945 Americans have been dying in Korea, in Vietnam, in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and is that to defend America? Nope. And have they ever won a war against these Third World countries? Nope. And will they ever win a war against Third World countries? Nope. You know, Diary, if it wasn't for the horseshit US TV news going on about 'freedom' and 'democracy' and 'road maps to peace', something little children wouldn't believe outside of America, then American adults might suddenly wake up to their armies being used in feeble colonial power struggles hundreds of years after the British, French and Spanish took over the parts of the world Americans are now dying in. Kinda handy for the British, French and Spanish, I guess, with just a token force they get to keep their colonies while Americans die in those colonies.

Shee-it, hope nobody else is reading this, Diary! Else I'd have to start my 'mightiest country in the world/freedom/democracy/policing the world' routine for the children that believe in such nonsense. I.e. American voters, ha ha ha ha ha! Well, gotta go now, as am due in - let's see, Outer Khazikstan, so my picture can appear in American newspapers making me look like an important world leader, when nobody in Outer Khazikstan or even Britain cares the slightest who I am. Lucky for me the gullible kids in America - I mean the American voters take me and their country seriously, or I'd end up being what I really am -

an average lawyer with no understanding of anything outside of America, that has made a whole career out of the pigmentation of my skin. Only in America! The dumbest - mightiest country in the world. According to Hollywood. Ah, more coffins just coming back from Iraq, I'm sure the parents of those soldiers are glad they voted for me, with my promise to get the troops out of Iraq! Bye!

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