NEW YORK CITY - The executives of Live With Regis & Kelly have narrowed down their choices to replace the 'retiring' Regis Philbin.
Philbin, who is 80, recently told Tahiti Zeppelin of Hollywood Hors D'oeuvres, that the powers that be are simply saying that he is retiring because of his age.
Regis told Miss Zeppelin that the real reason is a contractual one. He pointed out that his 'bosses' wanted him to take a pay cut from his salary of $20 million per year to an annual salary of $75,000.
He told them that it was preposterous to think that he would accept such a ridiculous offer. He was told to take it or leave it because they are getting tired of him falling asleep during the commercials and asking Kelly Ripa who the hell she is and why the hell isn't Kathie Lee Gifford back with the coffee and bagels yet.
Tahiti Zeppelin said that she spoke with a representative of the show, Anisetta Saltwax, and she stated that they had narrowed down the initial list of possible replacements from 67 down to 3.
Ms. Saltwax said that two names that had recently been eliminated included Todd Palin, who informed them that he was just too busy with his salmon fishing up in Alaska and Metta World Peace, the Los Angeles Laker basketball player formerly known as Ron Artest who said that he had trouble understanding Kelly's accent.
The short list of possible choices to take Philbin's place includes Charlie "The Space Cadet" Sheen, Hank "Cuzzin Cowpoke" Williams Jr. and Bruno "The Gaytalian" Tonioli.
Ms. Saltwax said the final show will air on November 18, and the guest list includes Celine Dion, Don Rickles, The Rolling Stones, Kate Gosselin, Brett Favre, Shakira, Zydeco Dupree, Bob Dylan, The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, and Woody The Wonder Woodchuck.
Saltwax stated that regarding Regis Philbin's replacement some of the decision makers are leaning toward Charlie Sheen because they know that Charlie will bring in the younger, heavy drinking, big time partying viewers.
Some feel that Hank Williams Jr. will bring in the NASCAR and the country music fans along with some of the older redneck drinking tobacco chewing hell-raising viewers.
And still other executives truly feel that Bruno Tonioli will bring in the gay and lesbian viewers who presently are pretty much glued to the cupcake making shows, the fashionista programs, and the reality shows featuring wedding dresses and marital accessories.
In a late breaking non-related story. The South American country of Ecuador has stated that they will be postponing their scheduled invasion of Pakistan due to the gunpowder shortage.