Dozens of New York City hospitals are instructing mothers of newborns about the myriad benefits of breast milk and to urge them to breast-feed their infants instead of resorting to substandard formulas. "Not only is it healthier than commercial alte...
The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it has filed a lawsuit against the FDA for discriminatory practices against a growing minority group in the USA. Acording to the lawsuit filed in Federal court, the FDA has illegally mandated...
Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that henceforth New York City will no longer be nicknamed, "The Big Apple." At his noon news conference, Hizzoner unloaded this latest bombshell to the unsuspecting news services. "A 'Big Apple' suggests...
In his never-ending assault on obesity, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has ruled that as of July 1, 2012, restaurants in the five boroughs will now serve all foods on plates no larger than five inches in diameter. The Mayor, in yesterday's news confe...
Judas Nobody here. Thomas Don't sweat it. He'll be right here. Judas Maybe he's on break. Thomas 10AM? I doubt it. Judas Well, I don't mind telling you, I'm getting tired of all this. Thomas All what? Judas The dirty work. Thomas What dirty work? Judas His dirty work. Thomas What do you mean? Judas "Follow me." "Feed the poor." "Get off Magdalene's...
The first victim of the Donner Party died on this date. Her name, Hondo Thwaite, 26 years old, was discovered cold, stiff, and dead. The remaining 87 starving members of the ill-fated expedition to California then had to decide what to do with Ms. Thwaite's remains. Forty voted for a "Hondo Bouillabaise". Twenty voted for a "Hondo Thwaite Barbecue festival. Fifteen voted to saute' her...
Sexipedia, the Internet Sexual Proclivity site, has provided a unique analysis of yesterday's South Carolina GOP Presidential race. Through its exit poll analysis, Sexipedia researchers claim that they have dissected South Carolinians' presidential preferences (1= most preferred; 4= least preferred) based upon their rather diverse sexual proclivities. Those who enjoy carnal relations with firs...
Archaeologists have discovered that an ancient Peruvian tribe living along the Pacific coast was munching on popcorn thousands of years ago. The discovery was made last Thursday by Sir Percival Blick of the British Museum when he raped and pillage...
Italian authorities have discovered the last two survivors from the ill-fated cruise ship, Cazzo D'Oro, that crashed into a sandbar off the Venetian coast two weeks ago. The world had been eagerly awaiting news on the fate of the last two unaccounte...
An Ode About a Certain Malevolent Condition that has Acquired a Pathogenicity that Threatens Mankind Across the Globe as It affects the Bowels of Those Who are Afflicted with its Curse Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Hondo Thwaite, Esq. to His Most Excellent, Gracious Majesty, Dionysius XII, as He Recovers from a Facial Bligh...
In response to Kim Jong Un's sudden surge in the Iowa Causus polls, Michele Bachmann has come out swinging against the North Korean. "I don't believe than Mr. Un will make a good Republican presidential candidate," she declared at her daily noon...
The January 1, 2012 New York Times/Gallup Political Poll has announced that if the Iowa Caucuses were held today the most likely winner would be North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un. The Poll pitted the routine Republican gaggle of Presidential "w...
Interpol has issued an arrest warrant for Jacques Teton, CEO of "Tits for Tarts" on charges of perpetuating a fraud. The basis for the arrest warrant was the French government's recall of all the defective breast implants that were manufactured by T...
Stewart: When's he going to get here? Tracy: I don't know. Stewart: Soon, you think? Tracy: I don't know I said. He'll get here. Stewart: It's been hours since you sent for him. Tracy: He'll get here. Stewart: He's big. Tracy: He's big. Stewart: It all started with the Rockefeller Christmas tree case, didn't it? Tracy: It did. Stewart: Before my time.
An 85-year-old grandmother was arrested last night in Baton Rouge, Louisiana for feeding wild geese. Mrs. Sadie DuBois was placed under arrest when she was witnessed feeding dried corn to the local geese inhabiting Stonewall Jackson Park. Accor...
The Board of Trustees of Pennsylvania State University has unanimously passed a resolution to ask Jerry Sandusky to please stop wearing Penn State sweat suits every time he gets arrested. It was at a Happy Valley news conference that Peter Fillia, C...
A new species of horned dinosaur known as Spinops sternbergorum has been discovered in the vaults of the Natural History Museum. This astounding news was announced at a press conference by the museum Public Information Officer, Reginald Crotch. H...
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