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Topics: Afghanistan

Thursday, 7 January 2010

image for US surge in Afghanistan to be followed by more strategy alterations, warm fuzzy feeling
Awesome multi-trillion dollar laser microwave explosion system rendered obsolete by inexperience, wacky misadventures.

As thirty thousand more US troops wait to place foot on Afghan soil, a study ordered, waited for while whistling a tune and then ignored by Congress has been quietly gaining support across Washington.

Penned by Commander Eric T. Olson, the document champions instead a reduction of troops in the embattled country to around three to six misfits with deep regrets, shadowy pasts but ultimately good hearts.

"Due to operations in Iraq, particularly those within Baghdad jails, there have never been more disgraced former servicemen who just want a second chance to make proud the son they see only on weekends. While the recent increase in drafting from urban areas has boosted the numbers of street-wise minorities within the force and allowed for the deployment of either mildly amusing zaniness or heart-warming bonding that prove so effective against insurgent forces. Other NATO governments would also be eager to provide a few soldiers from their elite stereotype perpetuation forces if it allows them to appease their populace with traditional European non-committal.

"We may lack body armour; however, if we gather those individuals that clash in the most family friendly manner and add several of the most highly trained (and therefore least clothed) female soldiers, we will have something to prevent Afghanistan sliding further into the mire of war," explains Olson. "Projected casualties would be limited to anyone both prone to giving moral guidance and with a body that may be easily cradled by the most naive recruit as he swears vengeance. Or any ethnics.

"This must be undertaken before the Taliban persues a similar strategy, since such a rag-tag assortment of adventurers is far and away the biggest threat to any centralised military force."

Olson further cites how the French were driven from Indo-China in 1954 by a few novice monks and their elderly mentor, all inexplicably trained in kung fu and faster-than-sound delivery of haiku.

"We really are lucky thus far there aren't many awkward yet mildly attractive teenage hackers in tribal Pakistan, particularly ones that could learn what it is to truly be a man," concludes the report, outlining recruitment drives in American educational facilities for those most adept at pointing at random green text on a computer screen.

Traditional logistics of transporting essential supplies via vulnerable convoys would be substituted for distribution by either the soldier's own young love interest back home or a potential one at the battlefront, as in 100% of cases surveyed the items issued in this manner have proved vital in winning a battle or saving the life of those carrying it.

"Bearded old men in caves have also been noted as good at providing this service, particularly when the item is attached to some moralistic message that could be recalled and monologued," states a 2009 United States Department of Defense report, "Though this "men in caves" method may not be quite as effective in Afghanistan..."

In response Commander McCrystal was quick to point out the complexities of policy in Afghanistan, describing how development of a prototype team in 2006 was derailed when Youtube came and stole all the adorable-yet-useless animal sidekicks.

Previously the Joint Chiefs of Staff proposed in 2008 that the US force could, in theory, be further reduced to just two members of the public service if they maintain the same level of cultural polarity and clean buddy comedy, a model that has proved devastatingly effective in domestic counter terrorism operations.

Adm. Mullen recently pondered the possible success of such a tactical change "...so long as the government lets them do their own thing and categorically ignores all their reports about terrorist activities when on the ground - essentially it can keep on doing what it has been doing for the last 8 years - just send a SWAT team to "take over from here" at the very end." However, doubt has been cast over whether this would indeed prove effective, as Afghanistan has long lacked the prerequisite warehouses, yachts and warehouses inside yachts necessary for the final resolution of any conflict.

This has placed more pressure upon the training and pairing of local Afghan forces to see off these domestic terrorist threats, with particular focus given to the vital areas of police chase route planning for maximum destruction and rapid urban slang delivery. Thus, by 2012, roughly 70% of the Afghan police force should either be considered "unorthodox" or "too old for this shit" if current targets are achieved - a goal made more difficult by the fact that most Afghans don't come from Harlem.

A smiling Special Forces Lieutenant tasked with administering said training comments, "I recently called a recruit a loose cannon. No doubt very soon I will be adding that he gets results despite that, dammit." Results that are seen across the country, with the Afghan people's first abandoned warehouse opening today in Northern Kabul and many more expected to follow in no doubt all too short a time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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