(Information received by word of mouth via the north Pakistan grapevine) - Osama bin Laden's cave has become crowded beyond capacity due to President Obama's decision to send an additional 30,000 US troops to Afghanistan.
Every Taliban member not busy committing suicide in a crowded place occupied by infidels is pushing to get into the cave as it is the only place where they are guaranteed not to be found by the military. Their plan is to wait out there the next 1½ years until US Forces depart Afghanistan for good, then exit and begin undermining every attempt at modern living that anyone within 500 miles is trying to make.
Taliban Spokesperson Mahajid Mushmouth said, "It will be a difficult to hold on until the Yankee dogs disperse in July of 2011. We will definitely need to order more portable toilets. It will be very crowded, but I am sure that some will from loneliness and weakness start to commit abominations with other men and then we can execute them which will give us a bit more elbow room. I'm not sure, though, if putting up with all this is worth the 75 virgins we will get in heaven."
Osama himself has cordoned off an alcove of the cave with curtains for his own private area. He can be heard on the other side chanting his prayers, watching Jon Stewart on Comedy Central and laughing maniacally. Twice a day his kidney dialysis machine drains all the electrical power and the cave is plunged into darkness.
The CIA is trying desperately to find someone to defect, walk in and blow the place up.