Edward Snowden may be holed up in Russia, but U.S. government officials say America will nevertheless be safe from future whistle-blowing by the American-born traitor because they've managed to seize Snowden's thus-far-elusive whistle.
According to National Security Agency Director General Keith Alexander, the whistle, which was discovered inside a storage locker blocks away from Port Authority bus terminal in New York City, is remarkably well-preserved given its level of usage by Snowden.
"It's smaller than I expected," General Alexander reported. "It's made of brass, and it's chrome-plated so as to withstand exposure to the elements. It's also quite shiny."
The NSA determined the location of Snowden's whistle by wiretapping everyone from homeless men sleeping on Port Authority benches to President Obama, who issued an executive order explicitly granting the NSA sweeping authority to continuously monitor his own communications and those of his entire staff, but only in the interest of satisfying national curiosity.
While General Alexander commended the NSA officials who braved slushy New York streets and chilly temperatures to seize Snowden's whistle, he was careful not to overstate the significance of this milestone in the NSA's crusade against Nobel Peace Prize nominee Snowden.
"Yes, we got his whistle, but we can't be sure that he doesn't have others, or that he won't try to obtain one. For that reason, we're keeping a close eye on musical instrument stores in Moscow to track their sales of whistles, fifes, and related items."
Although Snowden's whistle appeared intact, General Alexander couldn't say for certain whether the whistle is still functional, as making that determination would have required actually blowing the whistle.
"And of course," the General emphasized, "the NSA would never do that."