Written by Keith Shirey
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Friday, 28 March 2014

image for Colleges Oppose Unions For Football Players
NOT PRIMARILY A STUDENT

The decision by the National Labor Relations Board to grant college players at Northwestern the right to form unions has brought a swift response from a newly organized group of college football powerhouse coaches.

The organization, called "Coaches For Southern Justice," represents Southern States with so-called "right-to-work" laws, which make it almost impossible to organize unions for any kind of workers in those States. The Coaches, who usually make ten times more than their Colleges' Presidents, have been authorized to speak for them.

Football coaches of Universities in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Oklahoma, Texas, Mississippi, Tennessee and other states of the Old Confederacy issued the following statement:

"Although college players, who spend as much as 60 hours a week devoted to football, are not primarily students, we like to refer to them as "student athletes." Furthermore, although they devote more time to their jobs than most employees in the U.S., they are allowed to walk on campus' with magnolia trees and ivy covered buildings."

The document continued, " 'Though players are recruited for their athletic talents rather than their academic abilities, and lose athletic scholarships if they are injured, they do simetimes attend college classes and a few even have their extremely sub-standard English somewhat improved."

The statement concludes, "For these and other excellent facts and reasons we oppose the formation of unions and collective bargaining by football workers on campus.' To those who labor on athletic fields who would seek to organize worker's unions we would point out the futility if such endeavors in our right-to-work states."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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