Britney Snares Madonna

Britney Spears has secretly married Madonna in a civil ceremony performed at Michael Jackson's Never-Never-Did-It Land. Both brides-to-be walked down the aisle to the tune of "Like a virgin" and sealed their union with a passionate embrace as local organist, Mary Les-Belles, keyed the couple's latest duo, "Kiss me baby one more time."

Guy Ritchie was said to have been devastated by the news which he found out by flicking through his copy of the Sun that had agreed exclusive rights to cover the proceedings. Commenting on Madonna's betrayal, Mr Ritchie said: "I can't believe it. I thought we were married but it just turned out to be a dream. I'm not angry...I'm just a jealous guy."

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