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Monday, 27 June 2011

image for Hydra Invasion of Swindon Narrowly Averted If this had 16 heads it would be a hydra

Residents of Swindon had a lucky escape yesterday after a UFO crash landed full of Hydras on a health tourism trip.

The Hydras had incorrectly heard that the UK has a first class health service and had flown all the way from Pluto. One of the hydras is a Siamese Hydra meaning that it has 16 heads instead of the normal 8 and had heard that it could be successfully operated on.

The Siamese Hydra's condition was further complicated by the fact the one of the Hydras suffered from a disease called lupuslipophohia, a phobia first identified by the cartoonist Gary Larson back in the late 1980s. This condition can be defined as 'the fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.'

Now timber wolves do not exist in Swindon, but where the hydras come from a doctor in a white coat closely resembles a timber wolf.For all intents and purposes a clean hospital floor may as well have been newly waxed as well. Not all the hydra heads suffered from this phobia-only the heads later identified as Charlie, Edward, Algernon and Catherine. The other twelve heads were basically fine.

The operation was carried out with the doctors running around the operation theatre trying to chase the terrified Hydra. The Hydra was chasing the doctors around the table in an effort to eat them because timber wolves are apparently delicious. And so round and round the operating theatre they went. Fortunately, the doctors had dosed up on crystal meth before the operation which is standard medical procedure for any operation beyond five minutes. After five days of running around the operating theatre, the Hydras just collapsed-leaving the timber wolf doctors a five minute window to separate the Siamese Hydra.

If only life could be so easy. The doctors were entirely unaware that the hydras suffered from awakefullsleepinesssleepfulwakelessness, best defined as being awake when one is really asleep and being asleep when one is really awake- a condition seen every day in British classrooms and at Westminster. In other words, the time to operate was when the doctors were being chased around the operation theatre and not when the hydra was 'asleep.' This minor oversight led to one of the doctors being eaten.

Now one of the surviving doctors happened to be a jockey and she came up with the brainwave of riding a horse around the operating theatre. Sure it would mean breaking about 50,000 health and safety regulations and ensuring the hospital lost its NHS Trust Status-but what would you do if had to operate on a hydra suffering from awakefullsleepinesssleepfulwakeflessness?

Anyway, five horses were brought in and so the doctors and nurses began racing around the theatre in a desperate effort to separate the galloping hydra before it woke up. Yet the horses kept slipping on the blood, scalpels kept slipping out of hands and so a perfectly fine Hydra ended up losing eleven of its heads. A mobile guillotine was brought in but the hydra would never stay still long enough for one of the heads to be severed. Medical malpractice suits surely beckon, with enquiries being heard, and hospital cleaners and clerical staff no doubt taking the blame.

What made matters worse was the fact that Charlie and Catherine disliked their new look and asked to be put back on the second hydra. This was a problem because instead of one hydra there were now two and Edward and Algernon had always disliked Charlie and Catherine and thus refused to have another operation. Furthermore, each Hydra was now allergic to the other due to the immune-suppressants they had taken and so the prospects of years of psychological counseling face the poor hydras because Catherine had been in love with Edward for years.

Fortunately for the town of Swindon, the hydras IPHone17 rang-proving that Steve Jobs is not from this planet- and after a short conversation the hydras were last seen joining the Mergers and Acquisition department at Goldman Sachs, where it is believed they would receive a warm welcome.

Unluckily for the human race, the hydras had also arranged a summit with the ostrich leader based in Southern Russia and The Spoof will keep readers posted as to future developments.

'They don't let us out much, 'said one of the doctors after the operation.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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