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Friday, 30 April 2010

image for A Third Helping of Wit and Wisdom From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom You still tip your hat to the ladies and the Stars and Bars.

In my other "wit and wisdom" collections, I tried to group things by type and theme. I'm just a plain old lazy ass now and probably ain't gonna organize this (unless the wife bitches at me about it or sumthin'). Yeah, I'm now so old that I've reached the age where I fart dust.

I used to post these thoughts as snippets, but Mark (the owner of this here website) tells me that they don't count as "breaking news." Maybe it don't count as breaking news to him, but I'd sure as hell want to know real quick if all the cheerleader girls from the junior college were going skinny dipping down at Miller's Pond. I'd also like someone to tell me real fast if my zipper was down or if they were having a buy one/git one sale down at the bait shop. For some reason, politicians and athletes pulling the same crap they always do is breakin' news, but stuff what matters to folks ain't.

I guess one man's breaking news is another man's.... I don't know, another man's somethin' er other.

Anyway, here's more of my clever little sayings that all ya'll seem to like so much.

If you're the kind of man that blames the dog when you fart or slow mail for your unpaid bills, then your probably the kind of man who blames everyone else for the troubles you brought on yourself.

They say that time is relative... so they must have spent some time with my mother in law.

They say that if people were meant to fly, they'd have wings. Well, my old Buick's got tail fins, but it wasn't meant to swim, and I've never seen a flying feminine napkin (and they've got wings).

Some folks up north and out in california (it ain't deserved capitalizatin since they elected pelosi) laugh at our Redneck, Southern expressions. I tell you that if you understand sayings like "fine as frog hair" or "about as much fun as gittin' hit in the face with a wet squirrel," then you got a little Confederate in ya.

Shouldn't they change the name of government housing for midgets? I think that calling them "stay free mini pads" sounds more appropriate.

Rosie O'Donnell may be the biggest, most untapped source of bacon grease in all of California.

Women is women and kids is kids. Keep your pecker off the playground or you'll be playing "drop the soap" with Bubba in the big house.

How come the most educated folks really don't work at their jobs? Lawyers "try" cases and doctors have their "practice," but real working folks got to labor for their wages.

A real Son of the South will always tip his hat to a lady, the American flag, a preacher man, any soldier in uniform, and the Stars and Bars.

To the singers in that rock and roll band: If Jeremiah was a bullfrog, and he was a good friend of yours, and you helped him drink his wine, shouldn't you be arrested for cruelty to animals and get some counseling and some real friends?

I ain't never seen a professional athlete that was worth gettin' paid $20 million a year, but I also ain't never seen anyone that wouldn't be willin' to be a professional athlete.

If time really does heal all wounds, can we send my mother in law away for the next hundred years?

Remember when the only place you ever saw a tattooed lady was in the freak show? Now you just gotta go to Walmart on a Saturday and you can see lots of 'em (and save the admission price).

Rules for life: never date the sheriff's daughter, the football team captain's sister, a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome's mother, or a girl with a parking meter hooked up beside her bed.

If you cheat on your taxes and cheat on your wife, you probably cheat as solitaire too.

Don't let your girlfriend wear them edible undies into the hot tub. Them candy panties melt, and pretty soon you're swimmin' in warm and bubbly Kool-Aid.

Time really does heal all wounds. That bump in the head my wife gave me with her frying pan went away in about ten days.

If them Moslems is supposed to get 72 virgins, then why are they always comin' over to the U.S.? Don't they know the only virgins we got over the age of 13 are the ugly, pimple faced girls?

Someone told me that the way to proper way to spell "pain in the ass" was "h-e-m-o-r-r-h-o-i-d." Does this mean that I'm supposed to start writin' my bosses name as Mr. Hemorrhoid?

It ain't who you are when folks is watching real close that defines the man inside, it's who you are when you're alone and no one's looking. The problem is, though, that you know and God knows.

By themselves, cats are not very good. Add a little gravy, and they're almost edible.

I saw this poll that was asking people which they wash first after they get into the shower, their hair or their face. Before you was either of those, don't you have to wash your hands?

The shows been on about then years now, and I ain't never idolized one of them American Idols.

Nowadays, they got their hand tossed pizza and their pan pizza and their thin crust pizza and their square pizza and their Chicago Style Pizza and their New York Style Pizza and their thick crust pizza and their stuffed crust pizza. What ever happened to just plain old pizza?

They saw that if you lie down with dogs, you git up with fleas. If Rosie O'Donnell laid down with dogs, she'd git up with puppies (and give the dogs fleas).

Them tans that folks get in tanning booths are so obviously fake and not as good as the real ones. People who get them don't look like everyone else cause they don't peel, don't look like a lobster, don't walk funny, and don't scream when you slap 'em on the back.

Some folks lie down in shit and come up smelling like a rose. Other folks lie down in it and come up smelling like, well, shit!

Some of them television chefs can't cook without their favorite apron or whisk or spatula. My momma didn't have to have no special tools or utensils, but she couldn't cook without bacon grease.

Them Catholics say that their holy water originated from the leftovers from Jesus Christ's bathes. If it's got such magical properties and it only washed him, why didn't they save his toejam?

These days, they say that some women's butts are "bootylicious." In my day, we just called that a "fat ass" or said the she was "two ax handles wide."

If the purpose of golf is to get as few points as possible, then how come Tiger Woods scored with so many women?

Some nitwit New Yorker asked me if "reckon" meant the same as "yes" or "I think so." To be a smartass, I answered "I reckon so."

By the way, If all ya'll missed 'em, here's my other sayings and thoughts and such:

The Wit and Wisdom of Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

More Wit, Wisdom, and Ideas to Live By from Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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