Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: business, Rednecks

Friday, 23 April 2010

image for New Local Business To Add New Services To Community
Ger yer hair done while trying on a new pair of Dan Posts.

Maybelle Buford, owner of Maybelle's Auto Body Front End and Paint and Bikini Wax, told representatives of the Chamber of Commerce that her brother is opening a new business in town. Ed Earl Simmons will open Simmons Western Wear, Hair, and Tanning Salon on main street next week (in the location of the old Dairy Queen Stationary Store and Trailways Bus Stop).

Ed Earl will be leaving his position as Assistant Manager at Johnson's Hotel, Cafe, and Feed Store to open his new business. Bobby Johnson wished him the best of luck, but said "I hope he remembers to turn in his smock cuz they fot our name on 'em."

When asked why he would feature western wear, hair, and tanning in the same location, Ed Earl said that "I figure that the husband's can be trying on hats, boots, and jeans while the lady folks are gettin' their hair all done up nice. Then they can all sit around afterwards and compare tan lines and look and see who's looking more California style."

Ed Earl has hired Pierre Bruce and moved him into town (he'll be renting that spare room out back of the Perkin's place) to cut and style ladies hair. "He's willing to cut men too, but I told him that the fellers around here don't want no sissy boy touchin' 'em."

Maybelle did encourage the ladies to come in to her establishment for a new bikini waxing before trying the tanning beds. "You don't want none of them little short and curlies poking out beneath your bikini this summer or leaving white spots on your body."

Russell Maynard, owner of Rusty's Five and Dime, Dollar Store, and Barber Shop said that he doesn't mind the competition. "I'm sure the women folk would prefer some faggy French guy doing their hair instead of Cletis the barber. Besides, they all complain about the Old Spice he puts on 'em after he shaves their necks anyhow."

Leroy's Meat Market, Bait Shop, and Ice Cream Parlor said that they will be happy to have a new neighbor and member of the business district. Said Leroy, "I'm so happy that I'm giving my customers a special on Saturday: Buy a double dip ice cream cone and I'll give you a free night crawler and 10% off a pound of ground chuck."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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