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Friday, 23 November 2007

image for Study Shows Jean-Claude Van Damme is Best Actor Ever
Last known location of Van Damme

Brussels, Belgium - Scientists at the Brussels Center for Van Dammian Cultural Advancement (or BCVDCA, which means "Pitiable Oxen" in Belgian) have released the results of a recent battery of scientific tests indicating that Belgian born strongman and user of oxygen Jean-Claude Van Damme is the greatest actor ever.

Dr. Pietr Oblongcoksky lead the team of two scientists which studied, among other things, vast reams of raw sociological data, dingo mating habits and how a full scale bust of Whoopi Goldberg handled the weight of two scientists. Their conclusion, after three full years of testing and $465,000 worth of government money (approximately $175 US), is that Van Damme is the best thing to ever be caught on film ever.

"The news is really exciting. Not only can we show, irrefutably as indicated by this pie chart, that Mr. Van Damme is the best actor who ever lived, by using a simple equation we can show that he will likely be the best actor until some time in the late 2200's. There was a brief moment when we thought we put a decimal in the wrong place that indicated Van Damme was a washed up has-been who could barely act his way out of a wet sack, but we quickly fixed that."

Worldwide response to the news has been mixed, with teams of mulleted youths celebrating in the streets all around urban centers in Iowa, Kentucky and Alabama, while members of the Institute for Steven Seagal Awareness calling the entire result "bullcrap."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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