Penis Biometrics Installed In Vatican City

Funny story written by Percival

Sunday, 4 September 2011


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A New era in Vatican security has been realized today. The introduction of Genital Biometrics to Vatican City, brings with it much hope for the rehabilitation of Holy Mother Church's reputation. This high tech solution to an age old problem is the culmination of a 12 month fact finding program. The fact finding programs focus was on, the best measures the Church could take against the forces that seek to end the Church's influence, at home and abroad.

Name, Rank, and S.T.D number

The details of this twelve month fact finding program are typically secret. Certain aspects of the programs priorities would seem to be self evident, in light of recent times. One of the key factors the scanning system hopes to address, is the ceaseless, and frankly invasive nature of modern news coverage.

One Vatican insider informed spoof news, that with the advent of high performance touch screen phones. The swiss guard had all but done away with their standard appointment card register system. In favor of searching for the latests scandal to beset the Church on Google. Freedom of information had become so pervasive in the Church's affairs, that any visiting Priest, Cardinal, or Monsignor had only to state their Diocese, Court Number, and S.T.D registration to gain access.

Beauty Is In The Hands Of The Cock Holder

On a sign next to the biometric device is a brass plaque politely asking, all Church officials to consider the health, and well being of fellow Church elders. By using the baby wipes provided, prior to scanning, and to maintain firm steady application on the scanning plate for 5 seconds. This gentle request has been installed next to every scanner in Vatican City. After concerns were raised about the potential for identity theft, and communal infection due to prepubescent arse gravy.

To keep in line with the architectural aesthetic, and spiritual heritage of Vatican City. Each scanner has been exquisitely encased in an alabaster figurine of the kneeling infant Samuel at prayer. Eye's raised to the heavens, and mouth open, ready for his first communion.

Visiting Nuns and Lay women will still have to use the long established Vaginal Print Protocol. Leaving their lower quarters looking like, an Al Jolson ad campaign for bacon. The church has hinted at the introduction of a hand held device for women. After the new scanning systems trial period of 40 years. All scanned images will be stored at the Swiss based, Robert Runcie data base, and file sharing facility in Zurich.

Jubilant Reception

Catholics around the world have heralded this as a new age of transparency in the church. The Wilbury Catholic Herald Editor George Fensbury stated,

"We have devoted 6 pages of this months issue to it. A Technological breakdown, and a full colour center spread of Head Vatican Exorcist Monsignor Beltouchie using the scanner."

Cardinal Busettie Infantime Appengioe applauded the move saying,

"Eeeta iis time for holey Marter Church to embraiss the information age."

Sister Flacid Matriach, head of the Final Evacuation Of Christs, a closed cloistered order based in the holy Land. Stated,

"If the new hand held system is implemented, a congestion charge should be imposed on all visiting nuns."

Bishop Emanual Foulkston during a prepapal audience dinner, in memory of the Pope John Paul II. Supported the new security measures saying,

"The interphase was intuitive, hygienic, and the prerecorded gagging sounds ensured a bold confident print image."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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