Global Armageddon a Bust, God Only Pissed Off at Iceland

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Sunday, 22 May 2011

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Oops. Not quite end of days. Again. There's always that Mayan Calendar thing to look forward to.

Despite desperate and heartfelt pleas for repentance from Reverend Camping and loyal (and now financially destitute) members of the E-Bible Fellowship Church, the predicted May 21 date of Armageddon has come and gone and the Earth was not, apparently, ripped to shreds by a global earthquake. God does seem to be slightly miffed at Iceland however.

Thousands of Camping's followers donated their life savings to help spread Camping's word in several languages across the globe, on billboards and in radio addresses. It was clear that they were more convinced of this prophecy than others, based on their vehement defense of Camping's predictions, despite predicting the wrong date back in 1994. Apparently the wise and insightful reverend had done the math wrong, and May 21, 2011 was absolutely, positively Judgment Day. Oops.

There were cataclysmic news tidbits to cling onto however, like Grimsvotn volcano in Iceland blowing its top again, an unexplained cooling system failure on the international space station, and God forbid, Lady Gaga showing up on NBC's Saturday Night Live pregnant. END OF DAYS. END OF DAYS!.

Though clearly there were not a whole lot of "chosen" folks called to heaven on Saturday, that does not mean the prediction was wrong. Iceland is really taking another beating, and the whole pregnant Lady Gaga thing has many people concerned. "The predictions are true", claims one Florida believer, Constance Karen Feyding. "The Earth's crust is unstable, and Lady Gaga pregnant? The end is near. At least that's what Pastor Camping told me after writing him my last check."

Luckily, Camping's website also lists the final destruction of the planet on October 21, 2011. May 21 was only supposed to be Judgment day, where the worthy would be called to heaven. Whilst the rest of us wallowed in apocalyptic hellfire until October, the chosen were supposed be looking down on us all, laughing.

Well, OK then.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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