Anti-Rape Condom Superceded by Vaginal Land Mine

Written by wadenelson

Monday, 7 November 2005


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Capetown, South Africa (Wreiters) - After a South African inventor unveiled a new anti-rape female condom on Wednesday, arms manufactuer Denel announced its "even more lethal vaginal land mine." According to Denel spokesperson Gunner Downs, "a condom with fishhooks is nothing compared to the punch we can deliver. We can blow the train right out of the tunnel, so to speak."

The "Mister Meany" condom, which hooks onto an attacker's penis was designed to help to cut one of the highest rates of sexual assault in the world. "Deciding when and where to, ahh, "apply" such a device," well, perhaps leaving a bar late at night, maybe?" admitted the designer.

According to designer Sonnette Ehlers, "Nothing has ever been done to help a woman so that she does not get raped and I thought it was time those friggin' engineers got to work." Early prototypes more resembled chastity belts, and were rejected said Ehlers, 57.

The "Mister Meany, " a female condom worn like a tampon has sparked controversy in a country used to daily reports of violent crime. "Unlike a condom, which requires you roll it on, this is, well, more complex, she admitted."

Ehlers said the "MisterMeany's barbs hook onto the rapist's ding-a-ling, allowing the victim time to escape and helping to identify perpetrators. "You see a man running down the street playing "Jingle Bells, well, there's your suspect."

The device, made of latex and held firm by shafts of sharp barbs, can only be removed by surgery which will alert hospital staff, and ultimately, the police.

In contrast, the "V-mine" takes the thing right off, said Dener spokesperson Downs. Do you think John Bobbette is EVER going to mess with Lorraine again? I doubt it. Even horny guys will think twice about putting their, ahem, sausage into a possible minefield."

South Africa has more people with HIV/AIDS than any other country, with one in nine of its 45 million population infected. "A land-mine approach to reducing fertility, and rape, makes sense. Desparate times, desparate measures."

Ehlers, who showed off a prototype on Wednesday, said women had tried it for comfort and it had been tested on a plastic male model but not yet on a live man. "Volunteers have not been forthcoming," admitted Ehlers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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