Kobe Bryant Jury Selection

Written by Rebut

Saturday, 28 August 2004

image for Kobe Bryant Jury Selection
Can't we pick names out of a hat?

Just over a year after Kobe Bryant was charged with rape, residents of Eagle Colorado began the first wave of jury selection. Around 500 citizens filed into the County Courthouse to fill out an 82 item questionnaire.

Determining the questions to ask these potential jurors, is a very important part of the trial process and they should run something along the following lines :

1. Could you convict a basketball superstar? If you answered yes, are you going through some form of midlife crisis? If you answered no, do you believe in life after death - just show up for final selection and you'll have your answer(composed by the defense team).

2. If a sportsman who out earns your lifetime salary every month, is charged with rape, is it possible that the bloodsucking leech is not guilty? Before answering consider his drive home in his Ferrari to his Los Angeles mansion to laugh at the suckers who acquited him (composed by Kobe's sister and not the prosecution team, incredibly)

3. Have you paid your income tax, please submit copy of filed return?. If you have not paid your tax please be aware that the penalties for tax evasion make those for rape seem humane. Please note that we WILL be aware of how you voted. Tax payers who are up to date would best serve the community by going to work rather than sitting and watching the rap....accused for weeks on end (composed by the prosecutions tactical advisors in conjunction with the IRS).

4. Have you ever seen Joey 'The Peacemaker" Gravano? No? Neither have many other dearly departeds who voted like a stool pigeon. (Not so much a question more an advertisement for the Colorado Cosa Nostra & Dry Cleaning Company Inc. - Your problems are always cleaner with us)

5. Do you enjoy being on television, playing the fool, baffle-ing the legal fraternity at how a genius like this could ever be part of a court case? If yes, you'll love it. (Composed by Judge Ito)

6. Have you ever thought that you were in Cambodia when all the while you were still in Vietnam? If yes, were you hyper-paranoid believing that the president (even though you tend to confuse them) was ignoring you as some kind of dastardly plot? (Composed by an unnamed political figure)

Of course once they've turned in their papers they will get to 'Jury Questioning' which is conducted behind close doors.

Using certain vetoes which wipes out a candidate, not to be confused with Ito-es which wiped out the credibility of the legal profession but swelled the ranks of the clowns, the numbers are reduced to the magical 12 and a few alternatives.

Kobe won't understand the alternatives as he's a starter not an in-case-someone-dies type of player. He will however be impressed with how scientific his lawyers are at picking jurors. They use a Jury Consultant.

The Jury Consultant is a genius. He knows that Kobe needs a profile of : Male 25 to 65, sports lover. So when they veto he'll say : "...and lose the fat bitch with the swastika armband, the Grand Dragon is a must leave, oh and Kobe's ex-wife, dunno how she got in, is a must leave!!"

And then - It's SHOWTIME!!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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