News that the Pope has opted to "kick start" a debate on the use of condoms in Catholic World has caused a predictable stir.
Surprisingly few pundits have welcomed the move, viewing this daring exploration of the outskirts of the nineteenth century sexual economy with considerable suspicion. Every piece of the scattered religious jigsaw has produced critics.
Predictably, the strongest, loudest and most Italian objections have come from Rome itself.
"This is the end of Catholic World," said one Cardinal, who refused to reveal himself. "We shall all descend into mindless, demented, free-loving, grunting, knuckle-dragging, pill-popping, rubberised demi-Protestantism. From where - and how - will the next generation come?"
At one protest rally conservative Catholics carried banners proclaiming, "Free Our Sperm!" and "The Swimmers are Innocent!", while the newly-formed AntiPhylactic Establishment have erected billboards condemning the Pope and anyone else "encased within these vile condominiums".
But at least one cock-sure Protestant critic has advanced a theory many have so far refrained from expressing: "Ben 16 clearly wants to find the best one for his donger. I think it is a great sensation."
A Vatican spokesbishop responded with a vehement ejaculation, declaring, "The Holy Member is not the subject of speculation! On this we will have no mass debate!"
Episcopalian Foundation for Clarification and Knowledge spokesperson, Willie Johnson, said, "We've had so much traffic through our website [about this matter] that our servers are absolutely exhausted. They're drooping all over the place. Totally flopped."
"A lot of people are saying," Fr Johnson continued, "that this is actually a beat-up designed to divert attention from seamier issues. It's a hard one."
He added that some members at Catholic World even think that the real pope has died. "The real Pope is straight up-and-down, definitely rigid - not like this free-thinking, free-loving, loose-lipped Lothario. They're asking some pretty serious questions. Like, where's the outfit that topped J-P I? If you know what I mean."
"I don't know about that," said Bruce Hancock of the Australian Ships and Harbours Club. "But I reckon Ben should just use the tried-and-true-blue trial-and-error method till he finds one that's the right fit."
But the last word went to Princess-presumptive, Ms Catherine Middleton, who said, "Darling, it's all a moot point as far as I'm concerned. I'm about to become a baby factory so Willie's going to have to stop using the little blighters anyway."
"I suppose he could give the Pope a few tips, though," she added.
