Repurposing the Dreaded Holiday Fruitcake

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Friday, 19 November 2010

image for Repurposing the Dreaded Holiday Fruitcake
It only looks like a brick, though serves the same basic function.

With the Holidays almost upon us, our doors are likely to be darkened again by the arrival of an annual housewarming gift, the baked brick that promises edibility but invokes a gag reflex, the one item that when received, forces you into a feigned smile and a true test your acting ability while forcing two simple words from your lips; "Thank You". We are of course, speaking of the Holiday Fruitcake.

Hand delivered by your Auntie Edna, who, thanks to a series of unmentionable medical procedures, used to be your Uncle Ed, you find yourself struggling each year to come up with new and inventive ways to use the thoughtful gift without ever eating it. Fear not, good host, for we offer a series of ideas for the repurposing of that dreaded three dimensional rectangle, sure to bring a smile to your face. You can then reply with all honesty to your Uncle or Aunt that you have in fact "enjoyed the Fruitcake to its fullest and possible extent", without ever having to mention the word "eat".

1. Given the sheer weight of the odorous block, it makes a safe and wonderful doorstop. Family pets won't go near the thing.

2. Secured with a good rope, the Fruitcake makes a wonderful anchor. Fish won't eat it either.

3. Slice off thin pieces, (You'll need a chain saw) and place at the bottom of any trash bin. Flies won't bother.

4. No need for mouse traps around the house. Strategically placed slices will keep even the most determined vermin away from your home.

5. Keep in your trunk as an emergency tire chock. You never know when you'll need to prevent vehicle roll back while changing a flat.

6. Nothing provides as much personal protection than a fruitcake in your backpack or carry-all. Muggers, quite simply fear the Fruitcake.

7. A pair of Fruitcakes makes a great impromptu set of dumbbells. Just enough weight in each hand provides an excellent workout. Wash your hands thoroughly afterwards.

8. Re-Gift the Fruitcake and break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend without needing to say a single word. For that matter send a spirited "F U" to your least favorite co-worker or neighbor with a Re-Gifted Fruitcake.

9. Donate your fruitcake to the science department at your local University and claim the tax deduction.

10. Dispose of an old microwave or oven by turning it up on high heat and waiting for the alcohol in the cake along with the methane from the rotting fruit to explode. This also may provide enough insurance money to update your destroyed kitchen. I'd opt for the granite countertops.

And so, if you happen to be American or Canadian then please take my best wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. For those who partake in various "Harvest Festivals" around the world, please enjoy a bountiful Fall harvest, while we all look forward to the Winter Holidays. I wish for you all, many joyous things, but nothing that looks like it came out of a 5X9 bread pan, weighing 10 pounds and wrapped with a bow.

Best Always,

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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