A recent study of ancient civilization has confirmed what fanatic soccer fans in the UK have known all along; BEER is ultimately responsible for creating civilization as we know it today for better or worse, depending on which team you root for!
Archaeologists studying the History of Hops & Barley, have found evidence of
grain gathering dating back 11,500 years, and not to make food, but to brew beer to have at wild sexual orgies, feasts, and to fuel fans ardor prior to ancient bloody games of soccer.
The Canadian, reasearcher, who wishes to remain anonymous due to a lingering, and chronic hangover, says that beer encouraged social gatherings where trade was developed, factions formed, vendettas planned, debts were incurred, marriages arranged, Honour Killings were encouraged, and Athletes were exalted...in effect leading to today's high standard of living for Footies and their Wags, and the ongoing attempts to create One World, One Currency, and the mistaken belief there is only One Soccer Team!
According to the scholar, soccer was founded after one such beer fest after rival neighborhoods had an all out bloody battle on what they called the "pitch' back in Mongolia, with the winners kicking around the heads of the defeated townies. "Nothing much new there, eh?" said the professor, showing pictures of recent soccer riots not only in the UK but in the Far East , France, Italy, and South Africa.
Philosophizing over a warm pint in an obscure pub near the Portsmouth Waterfront, Professor M. Shuttlecock confirmed the findings as something he's known since his mum put on his first RED diaper.
"It's a tribal thing, mate," he said as a way of explaining Britain's insane
affliction of soccer to a visiting Journalist whilst staring into his tepid beer with no head onnit, "hard fer a foreigner to understand I warrant!"
"We've grown up partial to a certain brand of beer after a just a nip as a wee one; just like once your 'da' buys you the first soccer jersey you've ever owned, or your mum pins on your first RED nappy, you're imprinted for life. It's just the way of it, innit?"
Unfortunately, according to Shuttlecock, "soccer's been going downhill lately.
No loyalty, it's all about the money, the sex, the bling, the tabloids and the fast cars. I'm starting to see the breakdown of the Tribal Order of things.
Sad Really....worse than Thatcher in my view."
Said Spoof TV and Soccer Critic CJ Bolivar III, " Seen it coming for a long time now. Tribalism is dead in the UK. I'm off the beer and into Merlot...much more civilized in the long run and besides, I'm a bit too old for a bloody fight or a head knockin' anymore, but haven't lost my lust for a good tussle with a
lass with a trim ankle, short skirt, and a bit of a bust line! "
