Breakthrough in Terrorist Interrogation Techniques

Funny story written by TomFoolery

Thursday, 8 December 2005

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New InterrogationTechnique Gets Amazing Results

Imosobad, Afghanistan--At a secret captured terrorist holding facility in the desert hills of eastern Afghanistan, interrogators have miraculously stumbled on what they believe is the key to unlocking vital information on the ongoing and planned intentions of Osama Bin Laden's infamous Al-Qaeda terrorist organization.

During routine questioning while being processed for detention, a suspected terrorist with known ties to Bin Ladin, who called himself Mohammed "Bad Boy" I Ben Misbehavin, refused to answer even simple questions. He just sat with his arms crossed, his lower lip protruding obstinately. Occasionally, he would stick out his tongue in utter defiance of his captors.

Near the end of his rope, yet determined to extract vital wartime information from the stubborn infidel, one interrogator had a flash of inspiration. Having evaluated the detainee as nothing more than a spoiled brat, the first technique involved sending the pouty plotter to his cell without his supper.

Mere seconds after the door to his cell was locked, the punished prisoner threw himself on the floor, and he began kicking and screaming, instantly in full tantrum mode.

This commotion began to incite the other detainees, and it wasn't long before the noise level in the entire complex became so severe that even earplugs weren't enough to quell the screeching, moaning and wailing.

Since there was no TV, stereo or telephone to take away from the instigator, that left the interrogator in charge only one alternative.

Yep, you guessed it! Handlers jerked the snotty saboteur from his cell, while one guard sat in a straight-back chair and took the detainee across his knee and quickly began to administer the essence of corporal punishment: a good, old fashioned spanking.

The immediate effect of the butt-whacking was a profusion of information literally dribbling over and out of the detainee's sobbing, slobbering lips.

Stenographers had to scramble for tape recorders, as they were unable to keep up with the gush of long sought details that literally overwhelmed even the fastest of dictation takers.

Seeing the instant success of this new application of an old reliable disciplinary action, interrogators soon began spanking other detainees, and the facts began to come together. Names, dates, locations and other clues to the nefarious neer-do-wells were used to formulate operations to capture terrorists around the globe still on the loose.

Having learned of the progress in detainee camps in the middle east, officials at the Guantanamo, Cuba detention center have decided to adopt a similar technique on those being held there.

Pentagon officials are elated at the upsurge in military advances in capturing renegade ruffians. Field application of the spanking maneuver has led to even further captures and increased tactical successes.

Sources close to President Bush state that the president is optimistic that the war on terrorism will come to an end much sooner than naysayers would have us all believe. "I've said it all along, what they all need is a good ass-whippin'!" the president is reported to have said at a recent public appearance at a local elementary school PTA meeting in Otumwa, Iowa.

One interesting side-effect from the new anti-terrorism regimen: the dire lack of qualified spankers. Emergency training camps have been set up at various locations in the US and at strategic sites around the world to meet the increasing demand for this specialty.

Volunteers are being sought to learn the techniques that have been shown to produce the best results. Volunteers are also being sought to serve as "spankees" to enable new spankers to "get cracking" as quickly as possible.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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