Mexican Pirates Kill My Husband. And The Easter Bunny Stole His Body. And Santa Cut Him into Pieces. And Tinkerbell Hid Him in my Freezer, to Frame Me.

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Wednesday, 6 October 2010


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A woman who reported that her husband was shot in the head by Mexican pirates denied she had anything to do with his death, and a Texas sheriff said he had no doubts about her story.

Tiffany Hartley said her husband, David, was shot Thursday on Falcon Lake by gunmen in three boats in a dangerous area that straddles the U.S.-Mexico border. She acknowledged in an interview today that she has no proof of the attack, but said she had nothing to do with his disappearance or death.

"I know it was a bunch of Mexican pirates," said Hartley, as she went to cash her husband's life insurance benefit payout. "I mean, they're Mexicans, for Christ's sake. Hey. do you think I'll get my own Wikipedia page out of this?"

Hartley, 29, said she and her 30-year-old husband were sightseeing on Jet Skis on the Mexican side of the lake when gunmen opened fire, hitting her husband in the head. She said she saw him fly over the watercraft, and tried to pull him onto hers, but couldn't. She then said, "f--k you, honey" and fled for her own safety.

But Mexican authorities, who have not found the husband's body or the Jet Ski, questioned the details of Hartley's story.

"I believe that Mexican pirates were responsible for her husband's death," said Chico Moralez, the Head of Mexico Anti-Crime division. "After all, we are Mexicans."

"What I have trouble believing," he continued, "Is that the Easter Bunny stole his Body, and that Santa Claus cut him into pieces."

"Even though, with a name like Santa, he must be Mexican, so..."

Hartley and her family say they don't think Mexican authorities are doing enough to find his body, and she said Tuesday she believes Tinkerbell hid the body and the watercraft in Hartley's basement freezer, to frame her."

"We were in Mexico and U.S. authorities can't go over there," she said. "I have no proof. I have no cameras. I have nothing. I don't have the photos that we were taking. I don't have anything except for my word."

She has said that after her husband was shot, a boat approached her and a gunman aimed a gun at her and then left. She was asked today to describe the gunmen.

"Who the hell knows," she exclaimed. "They were f--king Mexican. They were wearing sombreros, eating Taco Bell and taking a siesta. What else do you want from me."

"This is just another spousal murder plot," said every person in America, who thinks Tiffany is full of sh-t.

"Kudos to Tiffany Hartley for creativity. Can't wait to see the Dateline NBC story about it."

Asked is Mexico was aiding in the investigation, Moralez said that although "it's a custom ... to some extent, to hinder the investigation, we will be happy to help."

"But," he added. "First, the US government must cooperate with us to identify the 252 bodies of illegal immigrants retrieved in the desert in Arizona, which they shipped back to Mexico via Fed Ex."

"Finalmente," he concluded, "For those Mexicans in the United States, we say this: Disfrutes su prision d' oro en Los Estados Unidos, pendajos. Tu no se puedes volver. Nunca mas."

"Y 'piratas'? No tenemos barcos, idiotos."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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