Sarkozy Finally Dubbed "Too Tall"

Funny story written by theuncertaintyprinciple

Sunday, 26 September 2010

image for Sarkozy Finally Dubbed "Too Tall"
"You can't see, but I'm wearing my lacy stilts tonight, Mr Bush."

President Sarkozy celebrated his first recent success story this week when (in a first for the five-foot-five Frenchman) he was proclaimed "too tall" for the part of one of the dwarves in upcoming film "The Hobbit".

Tiny Sarkozy, who auditioned on separate occasions for the parts of Fili, Kili, Bofur, Bombur and Thorin, received the rejection with surprising grace and good cheer, it was noted, and only threatened to deport one of the successful auditionees from France (despite the fact the actor was merely spending a weekend in Paris).

The news came as a welcome break to Sarkozy after years of enduring public humiliation on the issue of his height. Sarkozy, who is infamous for wearing thick-soled shoes to elevate him a further two inches, was humiliated in front of a worldwide audience in June 2009 when he was exposed on camera using a four-inch footstool to see over a podium. The shot was taken when Sarkozy was giving a speech alongside then-PM Gordon Brown and US President Barack Obama, prompting speculation that Sarkozy suffered from anxiety problems (amongst other issues).

Unfortunately, his next attempt to disguise his diminutive stature went down (no pun intended) even worse, when in September 2009 it was discovered that Sarkozy had been hiring 'short' men and women to sit behind him at speeches in an effort to make himself look taller.

The idea is believed to have originated in the UK, where politicians have been paying for similar services since the time of King Arthur, when a manipulative, conniving young Tory (believed to have been a Liverpool supporter) paid his female friend to lie in a lake and produce a sword for him at a given moment.

More recent examples include ex-PM Tony Blair hiring anonymous unemployed students to clap at his speeches, the BNP paying out for future votes (hence their surprisingly ambitious 2015 propaganda budget) and even Ed Milliband using Labour's credit card to employ men to fix the leadership vote against his brother, with the excuse that "the end justifies the means, and he always hid my toys anyway".

Luckily for the French President, his acting skills (honed by years of lying and double-crossing in the world of politics) did not go unnoticed, and this Christmas Sarkozy will be appearing in a revamped version of Snow White And The Seven Dwarves - as an eighth dwarf named Bigotry.

More as we get it, readers!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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