Thought The Catholic Sex Scandals Were Over? Think Again!

Funny story written by Jazz Jones

Tuesday, 31 August 2010


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It seems only God can help the Catholics now.

Just when the Catholics thought it was safe to emerge from the corruption closet, those pesky Belgian child-molesters have reared their paedophilic heads to keep them inside for just a little longer.

Secret recordings have revealed that a senior figure in the Catholic Church pleaded with a sex abuse victim to postpone going public with his story until his 73-year-old molester had resigned.

His abuser, Bishop Roger Vangheluwe of Bruges was forced to resign earlier this year after his nephew accused him of sexually abusing him between the ages of five and eighteen.

The tapes were made by the abuse victim, now 42, and the conversation reveals that the former Head of the Church in Belgium, Cardinal Godfried Danneels, implored the victim to delay going public so as not to drag the Bishop's "name through the mud":

"The Bishop will resign next year, so actually it would be better for you to wait," the Cardinal advises the victim, who replies: "No, I can't agree that he takes his leave in glory, I can't do that.

"Why do you feel so sorry for him and not for me? You're always trying to defend him. I thought I was going to get some support, but I have to sit here and defend myself against things I can't do anything about."

That poor Bishop! Can't a Bishop help himself to the alter boys in peace anymore?

It's been a bad year to be Catholic, as allegations of sexual abuse and subsequent follow-ups have extended all the way up to the Pope, who has been forced to defend the Church and apologize to a number of victims.

I, personally, blame the Bible for this. Mary was, after all, a fourteen-year-old when she was impregnated by you-know-who…

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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