Jesus and Mohammad to have cage fight

Funny story written by The Jonner

Thursday, 15 July 2010


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In the red corner...

In an act designed to discover which religion is the one true faith, plans have been announced for Jesus and Mohammed to stage a cage fight.

Speaking from Heaven, God said earlier that, "My boy is a lot tougher than people think he is. That 'turn the other cheek,' quote is incomplete. Matthew 5:39 should read, 'If some one slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other cheek to him as well. And then sucker punch the son of a bitch.' Mohammed's got his work cut out."

Allah countered God's belief in Jesus by repeating Mohammed's aphorism that, "the strong man is not the good wrestler; the strong man is only the one who controls himself when he is angry," and comparing it to Apollo Creed's, "I'm not angry with him," quip from the Ivan Drago press conference in Rocky IV. "But I know it won't go the same way as that fight," he chortled, revealing a hitherto unknown sense of humour. "But, seriously - Mohammed's gonna beat the shit out of Jesus," predicted the Master of Worlds.

When asked for a comment on the news, Pope Benedict issued the following statement, "Jesus will win this, or I didn't cover up horrific child abuses in the seventies." This would suggest that Jesus is indeed going to win the bout.

Not a lot is known about either man's fighting style, but if God's earlier statement is to be believed, Jesus will have no compunction about fighting dirty. He is also rumoured to have a lot of simmering resentment due to what an over paid and generalising TV psychiatrist identified as "father issues."

"Firstly, Jesus discovers that the man who he thought was his father, the man who raised him, was not in fact his father and now he has abandonment issues which culminated in Jesus crying, 'Eloi Eloi lema sabachthani?' Obviously, Jesus has a lot of rage to work out. Mohammed may be the punching bag but, believe me, Jesus is going to be fighting God in the ring."

Before becoming a prophet, Mohammed was Mecca middleweight boxing champion and was undefeated in 57 fights, winning 54 of them by knockout, a record that has yet to be bettered. Speaking from Paradise, Mohammed's former trainer, Ammas Abdul-Hamed, remembered fondly his former pupil's skills as a pugilist.

"Mo's right hook was as good as I've ever seen - in Heaven, as well as on Earth. I mean, we've got Ali, The Greatest up here, but he's got nothing on my boy. I know where I'm putting my money He's going to take Jesus' head off."

Shyster promoter Don King has expressed his desire to stage the fight in Las Vegas, saying that, "This is the big one! This is going to be the hottest ticket of all time! I can't wait to be involved in this one."

Religious leaders from both faiths have expressed concern regarding the fight, with the Archbishop of Canterbury releasing a statement saying that, "I have the greatest perturbation about this fight, if only because of Mohammed's right. But, it's a cage fight, no holds barred. It'll be close, but I believe Jesus will win it. I'll be praying for the right result."

Imam Abu Hamza, during a sermon instructing his followers that the killing of Kafirs is their divine duty, told the assembled crowd that, "Jesus is a dirty bastard, not above throwing dirt into an opponent's eye - and I should know! - but Mohammed will strike him down!"

The fight is provisionally due to take place next March. Contractual negotiations are ongoing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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