Panda Charged With Child Neglect

Written by anthonyrosania

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

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Bitch.

After giving birth to twins, a panda named Boing-Boing was arrested and charged with neglect after she accidentally crushed one of them to death, zoo officials confirmed today.

(In light of the fact that Boing-Boing has threatened legal action, we will print "allegedly" after each libelous statement.)

The older twin, named Splat-Splat, was killed when her mother rolled over trying to reach the Tivo remote and a large bag of Panda-Funyuns.

The other baby, Looks-Like-The-Mailman, was utterly ignored and rejected by its mother. Looks has been moved to a panda conservation center, where it will be raised like veal and turned into a tasty, tasty dinner entree'.

"Yo, I take care of my kids," said Boing-Boing, appearing on an episode of the Maury Povich show, entitled, "I Had Sex With Every Other Panda in Captivity, Who's My Baby's Daddy.

The drama began Friday, when the first-time mother bore twin female cubs, according to media reports.

Boingers immediately began nursing the first cub she saw but was distracted by live coverage of Linsday Lohan's court appearance, and paid no attention to the other.

"Twins are rare, and mothers take only the first cub as their own," said zoo deputy president Ricki Ticki. "Mother pandas are a--holes,"

Authorities say that Boing-Boing doted on her favorite daughter like any excited new panda mom, licking her, hugging her, and immediately applying for Food Stamps.

But less than 20 hours after the baby's birth, the mom did her baby in.

Security camera footage showed Boing-Boing, apparently responding to her cub's cry for milk, attempting to turn her body around in a tight corner of her pen. As her head pressed up against the wall, the cub was crushed between her chin and chest, according to police

Splat-Splat's final words were captured on tape: "Get... the... f--k... off,... Oprah!"

Since her daughter's death, Boing-Boing has refused to get a job, clean her house, and is drinking heavily.

The panda will be arraigned on Wednesday. Bail has been set at 600 pounds of eucalyptus. (Wait, is it koalas who eat eucalyptus? Screw it, I'm out of Panda jokes anyway.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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