Havana -- On August 13, he turns 79; and for one that has lived a life like that of Fidel Castro, all that is left to do is retire. "And maybe swing a golf club or two," said Castro at a going-away party for the Iraqi ambassador just last week in Havana. "I've only recently learned how much fun that is. Now if I can just figure out my handicap."
Castro, who has been the President of Cuba since his forces were victorious in the fight against Fulgencio Batista in 1959, has been playing the role of the last real Communist revolutionary ever since. "I have to tell you unequivocally," he said before the recent meeting of the 26th of July Movement, "that I am proud of what I have done. And I am Proud of you all. But now it is time for me to step aside and let the next generation take the reigns."
This Spoof reporter was given the once in a lifetime chance to interview Mr. Castro about his future plans.
Spoof: I believe everyone throughout the world is shocked by your announcement.
FC: No doubt. Everyone thought I'd be carried out in a box. Well, I have news for you: I'm fed up with all this. I'm tired of the charade-tired of the sacrifice.
Spoof: I hope you'll elaborate on that, Mr. Presidente.
FC: For years I've walked around in that ridiculous army uniform. It's ill-fitting on purpose. Part of the gig, you know? Why just last week, after taking a few putting lessons from my great friend Sergio Garcia, I tried on some golfing togs down at the pro-shop, had a cocktail, some nice Surf and Turf, and I began to realize that this revolutionary thing is for the birds.
Spoof: What are your plans for retirement?
FC: I have a really nice condo in Flagstaff, Arizona, at Elden Hills. Really nice course.
Spoof: In Arizona?
FC: Yes. The location is ideal. The elevation is good for an old man like me. I'm tired of this tropical thing.
Spoof: In the United States?
FC: Oh-I get it! (He chuckles.) You're wondering about all that rhetoric that I spouted for years. All that "Empire" stuff about the U.S. Just mierda do toro, my friend. Didn't you see how I was outed by Forbes just recently? $550 million is their estimate. That's just their estimate, amigo.
If the World knew the real story...I'd have women like Paris Hilton licking my
boots. Believe me.
Spoof: I…I'm speechless.
FC: Back in the early 50's they use called me "Fidel Cash-flow". Once I saw how well Batista had done, I put together this "revolution" thing just so I could get up in his business. Did you know he took $300 million with him out of the country? In 1959 dollars?
Spoof: I don't quite know what to say. What about your brother Raul? What about Che Guevara?
FC: Raul and I are brothers, so get a clue on that. Che? Well…let's just say that the Bolivian Army "found" him rather easily after a little bird talked with me.
The interview was then interrupted by two gorgeous young ladies that walked in to the room; each took one of Castro's arms, and they left the room. "Time for my massage," said Castro, winking. "I'm not too old for a happy ending, you know."