The world reverberated with joyeous celebration at the pronouncement by the top echelons of the world's major churches, that "Erbie" Tucker Jones, a penniless panhandler, who sleeps at night on a cot, in a central Chicago homeless shelter, has been certified to be the long-awaited return of the Messiah.
Whereas, indeed, there had been a Trumpet's Call, and a choir of angels proclaiming his return, few had been tuned in to those frequencies, as the masses had been messmerized by the myriad entertainments of cable TV, and the relentless jingle of money on the Wall Street stock exchange.
Although Christ had prophesied, that he would return "Like a Thief in the Night", none had thought to look in the Dorothy Day Homeless Shelter on Clarkston Avenue. And although, Christ had proclaimed "As you do unto the least of them, so you do unto me", few had taken him literally, and fewer still had heeded his command.
Following the offical sanctification of his authenticity, by the Vatican Council, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and the governing board of the World Coucil of Churches, throngs of jubilant worshippers poured through the streets of Chicago carrying garlands and shouting 'Hosanna', as they made their way toward the Dorothy Day Homeless Shelter.
Jimmy Rockert, the anchorman for KJMX TV was the first reporter to arrive on the scene, to transmit to the world the message of the returning Savior. "Oh Great Messiah....Sir!'" stammered Jimmy Rockert, as he stuck his trembling hand and microphone in front of Erbie's face. "What is your message for Mankind? How will you save us, from the disasters that have befallen us in these final days?"
"Huh?" replied Erbie, as a fly buzzed around his mud-caked pant-legs. "Oh, yeah, well, like... I live a simple life. I harbor no hatred or greed. I collect bottles and aluminum cans from these dumpsters."
"But?.." asked Jimmy Rockert, in a tone of deeply reverent befuddlement, "the glaciers in Antartica are melting. The sea is rising, and we are facing the mass extinction of species around the world! How are you going to save us?"
"Thats it." Said Erbie. "People shouldn't be throwing away all of these bottles and cans. They are worth alot of money. I don't have money or a home, But I have a heart!" he said, as a tear rolled down his cheek. "Sometimes I find some old toys in the dumpsters, and I save them and give them to those little Moslem children in the apartment around the corner."
"But...!" demanded Jimmy Rockert, "The State Department has said there are now 26 countries Americans should not travel to or they might be killed. Following the American attack on Fallujah, the militants in Iran recruited 10,000 new suicide bombers! The world is about to go up in flames! And all you are going to do is give toys to some Moslem children?!?"
"Thats the only thing that will help," answered Erbie in a matter of fact voice.
"I've said it before...Love Thine Enemy. Turn the Other Cheek. Love is the answer. Love conquers all."
The jubilant throngs of worshippers now lifted Erbie high above their heads, and carried him on their shoulders, as the procession wound its way up Clarkston Avenue toward the Civic Center. At the corner of Benton Avenue, they lifted him up onto a cement embankment, where he stood and addressed the reverent crowd.
"Ya know..." said Erbie, as he looked out and solemnly pondered the expectant crowd before him.... "Ya know, I can't rescue you......All I can do, is show you the way. But you've got to do it all yourselves."
"You see these beautiful trees?" He said, as he spread his arms wide over his head...." You've got to stop cutting them all down......you've already been told about proper Stewardship of the Land. If you had paid attention to all of the things I told you last time around, none of this would have happened. All I can do is tell you all of the things I told you before."
The crowd listened to Erbie's sermon with reverent attention. And as the day passed by, and the sun began to set, some in the crowd heard the distant rumble of approaching military transport vehicles on the nearby Interstate Highway.
As darkness set in, a black military jeep drove by, and over a loud speaker, a voice told the crowd that they needed a permit if they wanted to assemble in front of the embankment. But the crowd continued to only pay attention only to Erbie's sermon.
"One more thing! " said Erbie, as he pointed his finger above the crowd. "You've got to ratify the Kyoto Protocol!"
Suddenly the clouds parted, and 2 apache helicopters appeared above the crowd. They turned right, sharply and flew in the direction of the embankment where Erbie was delivering his sermon. A giant spotlight, emanating from below each helicopter, could be seen sweeping the crowd. Suddenly the spotlights swept toward the embankment, and stopped, and where they intersected, created a bright cross, highlighting Erbie as he spoke.
"Some people never learn" said Erbie. Then there was a loud siren, and a flashing red light at the base of one of the helicopters, as a giant blue beam of energy flowed down, and struck Erbie.
Erbie collapsed and fell to the ground, and there he "gave up the ghost."
Author's Note: I'm entitled to express my opinion, so don't crucify me!
