Written by Rebut

Friday, 27 August 2004

image for Dave Matthews Band Charged
How much shit dyou think there is on Earth?

Redwood City, Calif : The prosecutors in the Scott Peterson case broke early today. News of Chicago prosecutors charging the Dave Matthews Band with dumping waste in the Chicago River was a missing piece of the puzzle found.

How did Peterson, former fertiliser salesman, get rid of the missing tapes and other unrecoverable items? They knew he had put it into fertiliser but how did he get rid of that?

The Dave Matthews Band deny even knowing Peterson saying they have their own waste. They are believed to have dumped human waste right on top of around 100 people on an architecture tour.

The prosecutors in the Peterson case aren't budging. "Human waste is as apt a description of Peterson as I've heard so far. These band members won't sidestep prosecution using that shit".

Mark Geragos, the attorney for Peterson said it all sounded like a load of crap and he for one was not going to be inspecting the evidence. He confirmed that he had seen all the fertiliser he was ever going to see.

The Chicago DA was less than impressed. He said he had had to explain to 100 outraged architecture enthusiasts why something smelled rotten in the state of Chicago. Now he was being asked to hand the morons to California.

He had apparently asked Redwood prosecutors if they had been tipped off by a stoolie. They responded by confirming that one of the stools sampled had confirmed the involvement of Dave Matthews Band.

Asked how many of the Band's stools were tested the Redwood prosecutor said : "Around one turd". When asked for a description members of the press evacuated the building.

Redwood City prosecutors then phoned through the news that the missing link had been found. Asked if they didn't mean 'missing piece', they replied that when you see the stool you'll understand why.

This prompted frantic calls from members of the jury to ascertain when the Chicago exhibit would be used. Many have developed ailments previously unnoticed during the trial so far.

Several jurors who have been confronted with having a weak stomach flushed. They said that that was crap it was just the court's airconditioner was making everyone a little feverish.

Juror number 4 said that every time she thought of that stool she broke out in a sweat. "I mean what if it's all nutty and crunchy..?"

Juror number 7 was bitter : "We got through all the crap here so now they've started importing it. Next we'll be visiting latrines countrywide.."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: chicago, missing

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