Rome - (Holy Ass Mess): An LA celebwatch website has named tubby German Chancellor Angela Merkel as Pope Joe Ratzinger's eldest daughter.
LA FagHagSlagMag says 'Murky' Merkel has matched DNA positive with the former head of the Vatican's Inquisition department.
And a 55 year cover-up perfected by her cousin, ex-Stasi CEO Markus Wolf, has ensured that Papa Ratzi's little secret has remained buried deep beneath the Catacomb latrines in St Peter's.
Merkel, a stunningly mediocre politician even by EU standards, has always attributed her meteoric rise to power to simple Arian superiority.
The recent explosion of Vatican child sex abuse scandals has been water off the proverbial duck's back given her confidence at the Stasi's legendary brilliance at deleting and/or covering up scandals.
But a covert 20 year NATO wiretap of her communications with Papal gofer Monsignor Geporg Gangswine has finally nailed a Teutonic monstrosity of gargantuan proportions.
The Pope's 'housekeeper' Sister Ingrid Stampa is 69.