All Nippon to Pinch Onboard Output

Written by BillBritton

Sunday, 10 January 2010

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Japanese carrier All Nippon Airways (ANA) is asking passengers to relieve themselves before boarding its aircraft to reduce weight and thus lower fuel consumption.

"A typical human bladder holds up to a liter of liquid and weighs 2.2 pounds," said CEO Mineo Yamamoto. "Since a Boeing 777 holds 247 people, this would mean a weight savings of 550 pounds per flight and thus reduce carbon emissions by 4.2 tons per month, system-wide."

ANA is in the process of installing advanced relief stations made by ARSE, Ltd. at each of its boarding stations. A urine gauge will indicate the total weight savings for each flight. Those passengers refusing to comply will pay a 5-percent ticket surcharge. To further encourage participation, compliant passengers will be given a free bag of Pee-Nuts®, ANA's way of saying, "Thank you."

Part of ANA's campaign to publicize this "green" initiative will include free samples of WaterDump®, a diuretic used to increase urinary output. Because liquid refreshments will no longer be offered on ANA flights of fewer than 6 hours, flight attendants will distribute mouth swabs similar to those used in hospitals. "We are also considering giving passengers a box of Altoids to ease their thirst," said ANA PR head Damion Martin. ANA's bathrooms will also be smartcard-operated in future, with a flush charge of 50 cents per 100 milliliters.

President Halten Siewasser of PAUL (Protesters Against Urinary Limits) plans to organize a boycott of ANA and offered this observation: "The danger is that ANA's initiative might spill over into other modes of transportation. I believe a congressional investigation is in order, starting with Halliburton's recent purchase of the Porta-Potti company. Besides, who's going to pee a liter? A sumo wrestler?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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