"It's The BOOBS Stupid!" Topless Oasis Bar & Grill Reopens to Resounding Success!

Written by Morse

Thursday, 31 December 2009

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No Virginia, This is Not a Pole Dancer from the Oasis....!

The third time appears to be the lucky charm for the Oasis Bar & Grill as it rises like the Phoenix after two failed attempts to become a the Premier Hang Out for the Rich, Not So Rich, the Verbose, and even one who writes only 3 words.

This time the NOW famously popular late night hang out has found the winning formula: TITS!

Initially founded to provide a hangout for down and out Spoofers with a drinking problem, it somehow morphed into a bad , and quite DEAD POETS forum, then into financial bankruptcy after founder Skoob extended too much credit to patrons who didn't have the ability to pay their bar tabs and were prone to skip the country to parts known, but unaccessible. Of course it didn't help debt collectors that many had changed their identity to avoid collection efforts.

The one really successful claim to fame the Oasis II had was that it launched the career of the now wildly popular Female Rock Group, The Bonkettes (copyright Skoob,2009), who soon left the building to draw raves and a collection of male underwear in concerts wherever they have appeared.

Unfortunately, Skoob neglected to have them sign a contract, or even provide a residual clause thinking that a pact sealed in bed with a BJ and the melding of tongues would be sacred and binding for ever. Of course, this is the same bloke that falls off bicycles and falls on the ice even when on his hands and knees!

A recent Power Drinking Lunch at the Ship Anson Pub in Portsmouth included several investors in the previous venture, there to discuss options to reopen the pub in time for the New Year, and in hopes of an economic recovery.

A plaintive Skoob lamented, "Why did we go BUST?", not in a rhetorical way of course, as he looked toward his new publicist, Lynton, as he became lost for words describing a painful subject.

After a pregnant silence for early supporter Jade Goody, Bargis Tryhol and Jman both shouted as one....."We went BUST because we had NO TITS!"

"Frankie the J has 'man tits' " snorted Madame Bitters from her bar stool, "and howd' that work out for you?"

Acknowledged Mammalian Professor, with Tenure, Jman took exception,
"No...real girly tits...the kind I dream about, the kind every man wants to nuzzle, snuggle up to, and nip about....those kind of TITS!"

The revelation was like a lightning bolt and the room was suddenly alive with creative electricity.

"Bar Maid....another Pitcher of Stella!" ordered Skoob, his palms damp with excitement, and his lips foaming in anticipation.

Barrister Queen Mudder, sitting in as an advisor, and merely as a favour acting Pro Boner, summed it all up.

"Bout time you blokes realized the facts of life. Look at the polls, it's TITS & ASS that sells, and it's even better if they're NAKED! And it doesn't hurt neither if onst in a whilst a little PUSSY and maybe a WEE COCK slips out of a wayward costume....you've got to SELL what the Public Wants....stupid ass mess wankers that they are!"

Financial History was made that day, and the New Oasis Bar & Grill opened to a standing room only crowd. Soccer Stars, bankers, hedge fund managers, politicians on expense accounts , Shetland Isles Oil Magnates, and of course barristers, lawyers, attorneys, ambulance chasers, heterosexuals all, flocked to the doors once the word was out.

And in a good natured show of respect, even the Bonkettes showed up for a quickie as a favor to their old mentor Skoob..."It's Grand, Innit?" crowed a proud Skoobie...."all me chickens under the same roof agin!"

Yobs left standing on the sidewalk tried to read the new sign over the steel reinforced doors, which simply stated:

NO SHOES...NO ADMITTANCE

NO PRAYER RUGS, NO FLYING CARPETS, NO BURQAS, NO BOMBS

AND YES, THERE ARE NO 'VIRGINS' INSIDE THIS PIECE OF HEAVEN

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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