Dateline Copenhagen. Global Warming and Climate Change Deniers have unconditionally surrendered to the Settled Science Consensus.
A spokesman for the Deniers, Rudy Waltz, announced they have examined the research of the advocates of stopping the man made global climate change. "After careful analysis we believe that we are in error and will do all we can to support those trying to save the planet. We fully endorse their findings."
Asked by this reporter how they would demonstrate support Mr. Waltz said, "We will put our money and time behind research at respected universities, field research, appearances on television, lecture circuits, teaching materials for schools and direct action."
I followed up with another query, "Can you elaborate on specific programs you have in the works?"
"Certainly. Right here in our offices we are going to replace all of our incandescent lighting with the pig penis screw in fluorescents, install urine recycling machines for our water supplies and replace the current tanning beds in our gym with solar powered models.
Second. Legislation is being drafted to limit the amount of adhesive backed return address labels that have become ubiquitous on mail at the US Post Office. It is estimated that these labels add forty billion tons to the weight of the delivered mail each year. Elimination or decreasing the use of these will lessen the Carbon footprint of the Post Office and cut down on the use of non soy based ink used to print them.
While we have no evidence accumulated at this time, we feel a significant medical cost savings can be realized in declining numbers of knee replacements for mail carriers.
Third. We are presently negotiating with the US Air Force to transport old automobiles to Antarctica. They will be started and left running to generate new ozone, filling the large hole in our atmosphere above that continent.
Fourth. Since the culprit is mainly Carbon Dioxide we are taking direct action to limit the production of this poison by going after some of its sources. An expedition to the Arctic is underway as we speak; their mission to club seals to death and shoot the remaining polar bears, both of whom exhale this vile gas."
