Written by Rebut

Wednesday, 25 August 2004

image for Aussie Scientists Use Insect Swarms For Next Generation Of Weapons
We start with the reds, then the blacks and finish with....

Australian scientists are using the collective intelligence found in insect swarms to develop the next generation of high-tech military hardware. Alex Ryan who heads a team from the Defense, Science and Technology Organisation says they are developing software recreating swarm behaviour for use on the battlefield.

I have to be honest and tell you that I thought someone was taking the Mickey here but it is real as any search on the subject will reveal. The Aussies are deadly serious about this and plan to have it ready for the next time they hit the battlefield running...which they may well be if the Wasp gets out his jar.

Herewith the Coalition Of The Willing on their next away game. Insect names may have been changed to protect the cockroach concerned.


The British ground forces and paratroopers have secured a bridgehead. American air superiority and naval power ensures overall supremacy.

Two miles north of their position the 112th Australian Insect Division commanded by Major General Alex Ryan are heavily dug in. The order to go comes from the Coalition high command. Ryan is ready : "Cry havoc and let loose those f*cking bees"

Two things of all things Bees we should know : A swarm does not hit millions of targets, they hit one and that one is of their choosing. The swarm would rush forth from their hated captivity, stretch their wings and return to the hated jailer.

"Foxtrot this is Ryan report to me immediately". Private Bruce Cobber, stung from head to toe, and with a goodly few thousand angry bees buzzing around his head would report in.

"Good God Cobber is that you? You look like a Lunch bar - HOW DARE you bring your swarm in here!!! Don't swish man you're chasing them over here! What did you do to antagonise the swarm like this, they seem positively agitated!!"

Then, as only senior officers can do, the General will ignore his Privates suffering : "Cheer up man, if this is what they did to you, think what they did to the surrender monkeys. Right! no time to gloat what have we got in stock?"

"General we have a few million spiders, venomous, then we have a tanker full of Locusts, that Wasp, the Scorpions and an assortment of others in tins we are too nervous to open".

"Right!! Cobber I want you to drive the tanker to the edge of the forest where the Frogs are hiding. Release the Locusts and withdraw on foot. For backup take the Wasp with you. Got it?! Good now get out and hurry up".

15 minutes later General Ryan receives a call from Coalition HQ : "Aussie 6 this is Coalition 6 WHICH MORON sent that IDIOT and his swarm into my forest? The place is covered in bees and locusts, GOOD GOD MAN our infantry is blocked solid!!!

Which invariably means that Coalition 6 will look to his senior observer for the brilliant analysis which will enable him to arrange a break out :

"Coalition 5 this is 6, sitrep!!" Coalition 5 is a senior military adviser : "Well sir in all my years I've never seen anything like this. To start with there are known knowns, unknown knowns and ......"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Science, Scientists

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