Written by Weigand

Sunday, 15 August 2004

Investigations into... something very, very important hit a fever pace earlier this week when mad-scientist-gone-lifeguard Dr. Bill "the mad-scientist-gone-lifeguard" Ventura announced his having come to a conclusion. Since Scientific conclusions are generally as petty and unimportant as the scientists who come to them, nobody really cared.

But Dr. Ventura inisited that he had come to a conclusion conclusion, and journalists reluctantly stood around his home-made podium to wait for his speech, which allegedly contained his conclusion, to conclude.

Dr. Ventura stated that he had conclusive evidence that upon concluding his speach, he would have come to a conclusion. Conclusively, thiat conclusion would be very conclusive unless, of course, it was inconclusive.

This conlusion is the most conclusive any scientist has ever come to, and thus has received a great deal of attention from both the media and the scientific community. Of course, other Scientists quetioned the validity of Dr. Ventura's conclusion(s), asserting that he had not sufficient evidence to back up his claims.

Even long after he concluded his speech (in a very conclusive manner,) Dr. Ventura's conclusion was discredited by three scientists who conlcuded that they had conclusive evidence that his conclusion was inconclusive.

Dr. Ventura responded by elucidating the highly conclusive conclusions his conclusion concluded from. By excluding these hard and conclusive facts the other scientists were admitting that conclusions formed by other colleagues of theirs, which they had accepted, could not be included in scientific discussion and were thus inconclusive.

The enraged researchers who had come to these earlier conclusions agreed with Dr. Ventura and decided to end inclusion of the renegade scientists in their customary rowdy Saturday-night games of Confusion.

The unpleasent meanie-faces who had dared to make fun of Dr. Ventura were throughly rebutted by all these allegations and ceased public relations, all going into reclusion. One of them died this Friday from a massive contusion (in the face.)

Not that they had any friends anyway. Most other scientists called them names like "poo-poo-head" and "fart-breath."

Dr. Ventura has refused to comment on his conclusion recently, concluding this episode of "Playground Adventures in the Scientific Community" by saying
"It's not the conclusions you come to, it's they way that your conclusions help you achieve exclusion of the poo-faces you never really liked by causing them mass confusion with all your allusions."

Well said, Dr. Ventura. Well said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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