Deep in the Mountains of Pakistan: Osama Bin Laden gave a rare press interview today to members of the international media. Commenting on the Obama Administration's decision to try the mastermind of the 9-11 Attacks, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, in civilian court in New York City; a near giddy Bin Laden announced, "The terrorists Win!"
Speaking through and interpreter, Bin Laden cautiously complimented the Obama Administration for their decision, "We are, and will remain at war with the Godless infidels until all Islamic lands are free from the stain of their presence. However, we all have to admit that this whole Khalid in New York thing is one heck of nice gesture. I mean, just a few months ago I was living in a cave crapping in a coffee can. Now, just a few short months later, my associates and I have been awarded all the benefits and rights of full United States citizens. I mean, hell, actual American citizens don't have as many rights as I do today! Real citizens get their phones tapped, e-mails scanned, and stripped searched every time they want to get on an airplane in the name of preventing terrorism. And, then me, an actual terrorist; all I have to worry about is not getting on Facebook more than twice a day."
Later, a more sedate Bin Laden admitted that while he is still declaring victory in the War on Terror, he and his Al Qaeda associates cannot accept for credit for the "triumph." "At the beginning of this, our stated goals were to strike fear into the hearts of every American, destroy their economy and way of life, and collapse their system of perverted civil rights in on itself. Today all these are a reality, but, the truth is, all we really did was knock down a few buildings and kill a few thousand innocent people. The rest was done for us by the American government itself. I honestly have to say I am rather impressed at how they destroyed themselves with so little bloodshed and bad media coverage. While I still hate all of them from the depth of my soul, I have to admit we can learn a lot from them."
On the subject of the New York trial, Bin Laden plans "to watch it intently," however, plans nothing "really special" for the event. "I might have some friends over for fondue or something like that. Maybe a car bomb or two, or another mass shooting at a military base or something; just to let everyone know we still care. But, more than anything I just intend on letting things play out as they are. I mean giving Khalid full access to the American justice system will cost tens of millions of dollars just in his personal legal defense. I don't know where this money is coming from, but I'm sure not paying for it," Bin Laden chuckled. "Months of putting the American people on trial while we get to shout our grievances to the world all under the protections of the same Constitution we are vowed to destroy. All this in the shadow of our greatest victory. You know, I have a kidney condition, I have to be careful because too much laughing can make me sick."
United States Attorney General, Eric Holder, dismissed Osama's claims of victory, "You know, both sides have to be fighting before one side declares victory. Let Bin Laden say what he wants. The War on Terror was a policy of the Bush Administration, and we see no obligation to carry it over to ours just because we have thousands of American troops spread around the world fighting it, or, just because there is a clear and present threat to our nation and people."
On the subject of the possible long term consequences of trying an international war criminal in civilian courts, Holder assured, "It would all work out."
A prominent Mid East terrorism expert explained that the Holder decision effected the radical Islamic community in a way similar to the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Obama. "It is something they were not looking to get, or trying to get, or even really deserving to get, but they are happy about it none the less."