Washington,DC/ S&M Out of the Closet Newz - A Hysterical Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, claimed today that the CIA had planted a variety of S&M costumes and sex toys in her locked confidential office filing cabinet, along with dozens of scrapbooks containing 8x10 black and white photos of the speaker interrogating naked prisoners at Abu Ghraib.
"The CIA is lying!" a red faced speaker screamed at a hastily assembled news conference in the hallway outside her office which had been labeled " out of bounds" with yellow crime scene tape by the Secret Service.
The speaker was reacting to internet reports citing Washington Security Officials that during an after hours security check of Congressional Offices, the Speaker had neglected to lock her safe, or initial the access sheet, leading to the discovery of a plethora of erotic pictures depicting the jackbooted speaker physically abusing suspected Iraq terrorists. Sources indicate that most of the pictures show a snarling Pelosi wearing a black corset, push up bra, blinking nipple rings and brandishing a black dildo.
The costume was found in the bottom drawer of the safe inside a black bag also containing KY jelly, a digital camera and tripod, 4 cans of tuna fish, 10 Obama bumper stickers, an engraved Ivory Dildo and a congressional gavel.
A Freedom of Information request has confirmed that the Speaker had requested, and received 225, non reported flights to Iraq between 2006 and 2007 where the log only reported that the flights were "classified" and pertained to "national security."
A spokesman for the Speaker, said that "if" the pictures were actually of Pelosi, they might have been private shots of the Speaker taken at a Costume Party hosted by Michelle Obama on Wednesday Movie Night at the White House where "everyone gets to role play, let off steam, and have a good time."
White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs says he seems to remember Michelle showing "Schindler's List" some months ago, and while there was several cabinet members in WWII Period costumes attending, he doesn't recall what Ms. Pelosi was actually wearing at the time, but did admit he felt the mother of 5 was "a pretty good looking MILF....considering."
Fox News has reported that a "retired" Army Special Forces Colonel, responsible for averting multiple suicide bombing missions in the US due to interrogation techniques, but forced out by Obama's new Kiss/Kiss Terrorist Detainee Policy, has confirmed that Pelosi was one of his best interrogators.
"The woman really had a talent for it, " he said, "it was like she had this inner self that needed to come out and really punish people....believe me, 45 minutes with her and the perp gave us anything we wanted.....they were begging us to waterboard them, if we'd just get the sick bitch away from them!"
Inside sources now say the White House is preparing to award the Speaker with a special Merit of Honor Citation citing highly classified acts of heroism on her part that saved the nation from at least 6 major terrorist attacks.
Further inquiries into the matter have been declared off limits by the President and his invoking of The Official Secrets Act of 2009, which will be passed as soon as former Republican, now Democrat Senator Arlen Specter can cast the deciding vote after having his seniority returned by Senator Harry Reid in a last minute agreement brokered by the Presidential Fixer, Rahm Emanuel.
