Written by Jalapenoman

Sunday, 26 April 2009

image for Pope to Canonize New Saints
The Pope will perform the ceremony in Vatican City.

Pope Benedict plans to canonize a group of new saints, according to news sources at The Vatican. The new saints will receive beatification at a ceremony in St. Peter's Basilica on the first Sunday in May.

The new saints are:

  • Saint Helen of the Mountains
  • Saint Raphael of Mexico
  • Saint Carmen of Munich
  • Saint Louis of Missouri
  • Saint Gustav of Kenya

Biographies and quotes from the official press release reveal the following information about the new saints:

The church states that "Saint Helen of the Mountains was a valiant crusader in the fight for justice and truth. She held a volcanic temper that could erupt at any sign of injustice. Her fiery crusades sent enemies of truth to a fiery hell."

From the press booklet, we also read that: "Saint Raphael of Mexico was a simple Parish Priest. His work with the young boys, however, kept his small village calm and peaceful. In fact, many of his altar boys went on to become priests themselves and no young girl was ever in a family way due to the actions of a local boy."

Saint Carmen of Munich was a nun at Pope Benedict's school while he was growing up. He says that "she provided new ways of learning to the students that we never thought of" and "she was always willing to lend a helping hand." The Pope added that "many of the boys in our town became men becuase of the actions of this truly fine sister."

Saint Louis of Missouri does not have much information in the released biography. A church official said that "People have been talking about this saint for many years, but we discovered that Louis never received official beatification. We are trying to make up for what was possibly a clerical error (no pun intended)."

Saint Gustav of Kenya has been selected as the new patron saint of track athletes and marathon runners. It was reported that he once ran for thirty miles to escape a "Godless Lioness" who chased him for the sacramental wine and Holy Water that he was carrying to a remote village. The miracle here may be that the Priest was not wearing Nikes, Reebox, or Air Jordans and ran barefoot.

This group of new Saints is the second announced this year.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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