Written by rfreed

Sunday, 19 April 2009

image for Guillotines Make A Comeback
Guillotine Client #5734 A Couple Weeks After His Meeting With Destiny.

With financial giants and corrupt politicians devastating the economic environment a number of countries and states have brought back the guillotine to settle matters.

Once the execution device of choice, it made its appearance in France in the 1700's, having been invented by a Dr. Guillotine (this is true) who actually intended it as a more humane means of disposing of inconvenient human beings as opposed to the traditional and often messier way of using an ax (hard to believe, but still true.).

The French put it to good use during the French revolution when the poor finally had enough of their 'superiors' and had them mass axed like the chicken processing line at Tyson's Foods. Marie Antoinette was the most famous victim thereof, which is what happens when you say "Let them eat cake!" to people who are starving.

The new guillotines, part of the economic stimulus bill, have revived a long dead part of the economy. Orders are coming in from all over. Not only has it started a new business enterprise, it has given an added push to cutlery manufacturers and out of work carpenters. New models have added features such as disposal units that chomp up any nasty bits left over and a self cleaning mechanism, something Robespierre never had the luxury of.

Guillotine salesmen are flocking to areas hard hit by the recession. Sales are up in Texas, Alabama and New Jersey. In D.C. there are so many on the chopping block that there isn't even time to box up the models before they are sold.

Sales would be stupendous in California were it not for 'girly man laws' prohibiting wide spread deployment of the device, but some judges are secretly running crooked investors, graft laden politicos and embezzling CEO's over the border to Nevada where they don't have such concerns. In fact, the guillotinings have become a major source of entertainment there at the casinos.

Elsewhere the diversion factor of public beheadings is helping people to forget their worries and to feel like they have some control over their lives. Bernie Madoff's top-trimming had 200,000 spectators, all former clients of his.

A rough 'bucket list' of future de-head-ee's are:

  • John Regas
  • Gary Winnick
  • Stephen Hillbert
  • Al Dunlap
  • Henry Blodget
  • Ken Lay (He's actually dead already, but it would do a lot of people's hearts good to see him disinterred and lopped off despite that.)
  • Dennis Kozlowski
  • Larry Ellison
  • Bernie Ebbers
  • Jack Welch
  • Joe Forehand
  • Herbert Henkel
  • Jacques Nassar (It is only fitting that at least one French named person is on the list)
  • Sam Waksal
  • Jeff Skilling
  • Andy Fastow
  • Al Taubman ('Taubman' in German means 'deaf man'. He will definitely be afterwards.)
  • Charles Conaway
  • H. Lee Scott

and a seemingly infinite number of others. Some have suggested that Dick Cheney's name be added to this list, but it should be noted that his brain is so reptilian that it a 'radical haircut' might not do any good.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more