A leading car insurance company today appointed Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe as its chief executive.
'Oh yes', the African said, 'I will make them into the best car insurance company in history with my new policies, so out goes 3rd-party and fully comprehensive cover. Now we will make your car crash for you, all for nothing, and then I will personally visit you to see if your injuries are fatal. If not, I'll give you another car.'
'I'm pleased for Bob', Zimbabwe's Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai said, from his hospital bed in Botswana, 'he'd kind of lost the plot a bit recently. He started by being trained and funded by the British, but had turned into someone who blamed the British for everything from racism to smallpox, and kept trying to kill anyone who opposed him.'
'Now he's boss, I think he'll calm down a bit, and I expect there to be a record amount of car crashes here, followed by Mr Mugabe visiting the surviving victims in hospital.'
But Mr Mugabe himself was modest about his appointment. 'The British tried to kill me with smallpox, the ungrateful swine!', he shouted angrily, 'after I'd got rid of all their enemies for them in Rhodesia! Let's see them trying to drive safely across the African plains, though that might be safer than driving across the M4 on a Friday night.'
Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams sent a message of sympathy to President Mugabe. 'I know how hard it is for you, when your opponents suffer accidents in cars, it's happened to me many times. Airey Neave, Lord Mountbatten - oops, that was a boating accident - Erskine Childers, Michael Collins, Ross McWhirter, Margaret Thatcher ... well, they were in accidents, if only they'd insured themselves with Mugabe.'
Mr Mugabe was last seen polishing his new gold toy dog.