Vatican City - Rumours are circulating here in the Holy square mile that the pope has finally "had it up to here with those Islamic fundamentalists and their extremist teachings."
According to a reliable witness we met on the banks of the Tiber, just down from that fancy bridge thing.
"He has, Papa's had enough," the witness told us. "I was with him when he said so. In fact, we were sharing a bottle of premium strength altar wine cum paint stripper when he just blurted out that he'd had enough, and that he was thinking of launching a Jihad on the Jihadists."
At which point, Pope Benedict nodded sagely, allegedly.
"He told me that it was about time these beardy freaks got the hell over the Crusades and admitted defeat," the witness said. Before adding: "Yeah okay, the Pope may have been a leetle bladdered, but he was also mightily pissed off. He tole me that them terroristas and their associates had better watch their backs in future, or their ass is grass."
This Spoof reporter questioned the veracity of the witness's statement, saying quite clearly that it sounded too off beam and out of character for a genuine Pope's utterance.
"Bull-SHEET!" the witness said. "Il Papa, he's a German don't you know. He take crap from nobody. He have most awesome gang on planet, make Al Qaeda and Camorra look like pussies. He do blitzkrieg and wipe out nasty peoples like so easy as dog have dump."
The witness then violently vomited, and collapsed in a heap on the paved Roman river embankment, banging his head and knocking himself unconscious en-route. Simultaneously pissing his pants.
An ambulance was called.
In other breaking news, the Vatican has placed an order for 99 Apache attack helicopters at an astronomical cost, particularly in these recession hit times.
"The Apaches will be put to good use. If indeed they exist at all," a prominent Cardinal told us.
If indeed he was a prominent Cardinal and not just some Romanista piss-head having a laugh at my expense.
Aww they're just taking the piss... bastards....
More when we get conned again.