In a remarkable turn of events, the CIA (Criminally Insane Americans) have announced that Father Christmas is the CIA's 'Most Wanted'.
Many notaries have topped this list in the past, most recently Osama Bin Laden of Al Qaeda, and Adolf Hitler. But the CIA have never managed to capture any of their top targets.
"We have realised that Santy Claws knows where everybody is, all the time," said Agent X*. "This makes him an extremely valuable resource for us to exploit. It also makes him a credible and present world security threat. He knows the exact location of every world leader, and whether they are naughty or nice."
It is envisaged that once St Nick has been captured, he will be able to provide the CIA with the exact location of everybody else on their 'Most Wanted' list.
"We're keen to find the location of Bin Laden, Harper and Bulger, as well as a complete list of all Muslims who are naughty. The nice ones are fine, I like nice Muslims. Finding the naughty ones will help us locate potential terrorists."
When asked what the chances were of capturing Father Christmas, who is a mere anthropomorphic personification of the Winter Solstice for Westerners, Agent X was upbeat: "We know that Coca Cola are going to be shooting a new ad shortly, and have positioned an agent within the ad company to capture this elusive resource."
* This is not a code name; he is really called X. His parents were illiterate, and when filling in his birth certificate, just put a cross.
