A classified report leaked from the Pentagon reveals a new level of desperation in dealing with hundreds of thousands of angry young Muslim men with no outlet for their pent up frustration but worldwide indiscriminate killing and maiming.
Four Star General, Ian Michael Packing said in an internal memo, "It is clear that with the cultural taboos of little or no music, zero alcohol and zero fraternizing with the opposite sex what we have here is a ticking time bomb. There is only so much a man can do with other guys before they start dreaming up mischief, unless of course you are Boy George or Clay Aiken and that opens up a whole other area so to speak".
The memo went on to outline a plan that included dropping thousands of cases of booze, Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines, and iPods, in an assortment of colors, understood to include music from the so called "Summer of Love" all the way up to the present, however N'Sync, Ruben Studdard and White Snake are apparently absent from the play list.
Explains one official who asked not be identified as he is unauthorized to speak on the subject, "When one takes a look at most western youth today we find that with diversions such as music, internet porn, drugs and alcohol they are far too busy, or in fact lazy, to get into too much trouble. I mean, most eighteen year olds are just trying to get into a cheerleader's pants and their biggest concern is running out of Clearasil. There's simply no time to go out, make a bomb vest, find a target, get there and do the deed."
It is hoped the new wave of so-called "soft carpet bombings" will begin shortly with the first signs of results expected to be seen in areas such as young men needing rehab, a jump in the unmarried teen pregnancy rate, aimless wandering whilst listening to music and a complete refusal by many young men to leave their Mothers' basements.
Wickham Chase, Staff Reporter
