Written by Phil Edgar's Bones

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

image for Santa Claus copies Ringo Starr and tells kids 'no more mail...and f$!* off'!'
"Fu*k Off, I have too much to do ! " said Santa Claus in his toy-shop yesterday

Santa Claus has had enough. He has told children (who are our future), to piss off, in a 'Ringo Starr' styled unprovoked ranting tirade.

Self-centred kiddies of the world, were shocked to see a grumpy, bearded, drunken, and tired-looking 'Santa', telling them to look elsewhere for gifts this year and for the rest of eternity.

The 45 second message was featured on youtube. Santa whose real name is Chris Cringle or Father Christmas said "Peace on earth, peace on earth, this is a fuckin warning. Stop bleedin writing to me. I am too busy and I have too much to do. If you send anything to me after the 1st of November. It will be tossed. Don't send anything to Lapland or any address. This is a peace on earth warning, peace on earth. No presents, no Xbox's to be given. I aint giving you any Ipods or laptop computer machines either. So don't bleeding ask. No Teletubbies, Lazy-Town, Tickle-me-Elmo's, Dora-the-sodding-Explorer or The Wiggles. Nothing, nought, nowt, zilch. So, peace on earth to all men. Merry Christmas you wankers. Feck off. Peace on earth".

Rudolph the red nose reindeer defended Santa " Christmas has got too commercial and Santa is now over 200 years old. He's been doing this crap for ages. I am getting a bit tired myself and I'm only seventy-five. If I continue working so hard, I will be good for fuck all... apart from glue and hot-dogs." said the foul-mouthed beast.

Donner and Blixen shared Rudolph's sentiments " Kids today are tossers and too effin greedy. Years ago, all they wanted was a hoop, ball-in-a-cup game and possibly an orange in an old sock. But now they want everything. Do they expect Santa to pull money out of his ass-hole or perhaps they want us 'all' to become prossies ?...... No he's right. Sod the lot of them!"

Ian Hislopp, who is one of santa's senior elves added "It was better in the victorian times, when kids were put to work selling matches, sweeping chimneys or simply dying of absolute poverty. Now they are simply begging for High School Musical and Anna Montana Nazi Paraphernalia"

The Easter Bunny is now compiling a similar message. Dasher, Cupid and Dancer reindeers will be helping the lopped eared vermin, compose his rant, which will contain a string of graphic and physically challenging sexual expletives. He also will be giving advice about 'ramming eggs', where the sun don't shine.

This reporter confronted Santa whose name is an anagram of SATAN. Santa or SATAN told me he would 'duff me up', if I did not vacate his workshop. I was escorted of the property, by two burly-yet-tiny chain-smoking elves.

It should be noted Ringo Starr once sang a pitiful tune titled 'Dear Santa' in which the 61 year old multi-millionaire, begged for gifts and treasures from the 200 year old

    The lyrics from Mr Starr's 'begging letter' ditty:

    Dear Santa, we need you here,
    just bring us one present for a happy new year.
    Dear Santa. Merry Christmas,
    Dear Santa, have a happy new year.

Santa has made it clear he did not appreciate the song and he will also be tossing any further mail from RINGO STARR in the trash.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Santa, Ringo Starr




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