Stephen Hawking runs his own alternative CERN "big bang" experiment

Funny story written by Steddyeddy

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

image for Stephen Hawking runs his own alternative CERN "big bang" experiment
The scene outside Professor Hawking's shed earlier today

On the day when scientists attempted to re-create the aftermath of the Big Bang in the world's most ambitious scientific experiment by crashing two particles into one another at a speed greater than even a Sheffield tram, Professor Stephen Hawking undertook an experiment of his own in protest at not being asked to push the button.

The irritated professor said:

"I have a fair idea about how the world was made. A lot of people think some chap in the sky did it in six days, and on the seventh he rested.

"Well I know for a fact that the BWMU - the Biblical World Maker's Union - with their strict 37.5 hour week at the time, would not have allowed God to work a 45 hour week, because back then there was no provision for overtime.

"I have set up my own alternative experiment in my back-garden shed. At precisely 10.55 am, or whenever Ken Bruce finishes his 3 in 10 quiz, I will press the button on my own CERN experiment. I propose to crash two black holes into one another at unbelievable speed, in my own specially-built "Hawkingerator".

"This machine took me over two months to build and cost upwards of £173. It is over one metre long, and contains some of the most intricate instrumentation - including an LCD panel, a dial and a red plastic on/off switch (the dial was on special offer at Maplin you know! Buy one at £9.99 and get one free!) - ever assembled in a domestic shed.

"I hope to prove that two holes are better than one, which I have said all along is so vital, especially if you are an Eskimo fishing in the ice."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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