Written by Rusty

Monday, 25 August 2008

image for U.S. Warplanes Blow Away Abu al-Zarqawi
Mossad file photo of al-Zarqawi

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the al Qaeda leader in Iraq, was killed yet again by U.S. warplanes on Saturday when two F-16s bombed both his not-so safe houses at Hibhib, just north of Baghdad.

Zarqawi, the eldest son of a Jordanian skateboard mechanic started his military training in Amman's Armoured Camel Squadron but his radical Islamist and anti-Zionist beliefs sparked support for Palestinian leader Yessir Marrafat and his Gaza gangsters, with Zarqawi applying to join the Al-Fatah movement as a trainee suicide bomber in 1978, a move that was rejected when he expressed doubts concerning the future career prospects of the job.

Joining the anti-Soviet Jihad rebels in Afghanistan in the 1980's, al-Zarqawi quickly evolved into a really nasty piece of work and was hunted down and killed by Russian Speznaz forces at least seven times until he fled Kabul and returned to Jordan.

Imprisoned in Amman for attempting to overthrow the monarchy and establish an Islamic caliphate, he was tried and sentenced to death in 1992. The first death sentence was carried out by firing squad later that year, with a second execution scheduled for early 1993, which Zarqawi luckily missed by escaping from prison.

Throughout the remainder of the 1990's, Zarqawi travelled around Europe and the Middle East establishing the al-Tawhid terrorist cells, which are marked into the annals of infamy for the waves of suicide bombings they conducted against Western targets, several of which Zarqawi is rumoured to have carried out personally. It was during this '90's sojourn he was bumped off four times by different European intelligence service hit squads.

Zarqawi and his Tawhid group became active in Iraq following the second U.S.-led invasion, merging with al-Qaeda in 2004.

Targeted as Public Nuisance No. 7 by the Iraqi interim government for beheading people nastier than himself, Zarqawi was assassinated three times in 2003, first by Mossad agents, then by the CIA and finally by Halliburton-affiliated contractors RentaKill, before being killed yet again by helicopter gunships strafing his car outside Basra later that year.

Col. Wilbur Warthog of the U.S. Military Optimism division informed journalists in Baghdad today "This time we know we got him. Troops searching the rubble of the target houses found a severed left foot, size four, with a verruca on the heel. Now that's Zarqawi's shoe size and his medical records from a Kabul chiropodist show the verruca too. So even if old Twinkletoes does turn up again, he's gonna be limpin' pretty bad."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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