Olympic swimmers to be required to swim nude

Written by NickFun

Sunday, 18 May 2008


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Olympic officials have determined that swimsuit makers Speedo, Inc, makers of the LZT racer, and Japan's Yamamoto Corporation have devised swimwear apparel that gives competitors sporting their outfits an unfair advantage over those who are not. Therefore, all male and female swimming competitors for the Beijing Olympics will be required to swim nude.

The officials have likened the swimsuits to 'doping' because of their potential to improve performance. National Olympic Committee (ANOC) President Mario Vázquez Raña said, "From now on all the athletes have to perform nude. The only thing we may allow to give swimmers a competitive edge is pubic and body hair shaving".

Former Olympic swimming champion Josh Davis, who hoped to compete again in the Beijing Olympics, stated, "I can't swim fast with my giant schlong hanging out! This gives an unfair advantage to men with tiny schlongs!"

Not all women were opposed to the ruling. American Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard stated, "I don't care. I've already posed nude for Playboy".

Raña also stated that track and field runners and jumpers will only be allowed to wear simple cotton panties. In addition, instead of bras which may improve performance, simple "nipple pasties" wil be required for the female runners. for the same reason. "Performance enhancing" clothing simply gives competitors from wealthy countries an unfair advantage over their poorer counterparts who cannot afford the special clothing.

"Be gald we're not making all the athletes go nude --- YET!", Raña warned.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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