COLUMBUS, OH - John McCain predicts that by 2013, the Iraq war will be won, the American economy will once again be booming, and he, John McCain, will have personally captured Osama bin Laden and strangled that "Taliban rat-bastard" to death with his own bare hands.
The Republican presidential nominee made the bold statements during a speech in which he predicted the state of affairs at the end of his first term as President.
"These are but a few of the many accomplishments which I promise to achieve in my first four years as President," said a confident McCain.
"Believe me there's more," added the presidential nominee. "Just wait until you see what I got in store for my second term."
McCain then went on to list a number of feats which he planned to acheive during his second term as President, including hitting a walk-off grand slam to win the World Series for his hometown Arizona Diamondbacks, being the first man to walk on Mars, inventing a perpetual motion machine, and discovering the meaning of life.
He also promised to rid the world of many life-threatening illnesses by discovering the cures for "cancer, AIDS, and most importantly, homosexuality."
"Don't fear though folks, it won't end there," continued the Arizona Senator. "As my second term draws to a close, the Constitution shall be changed to allow me, the greatest President ever, to run indefinitely. I will then, of course, be voted in for a third, fourth and fifth term. It will not be until somewhere in my sixth term, however, that I discover the Fountain of Youth, and allow myself to hold the presidency for all of eternity."
