High drama and new fighting techniques face the Taliban in Afghanistan as the armed forces reveal that Prince Harry is the new secret weapon in the fight against extremism in the region. Immediately he's finished joyriding around the south in his helicopter, it's off to the far east for him.
Colonel Saunders, himself no chicken when it comes to facing the Taliban, revealed the new strategy at a crowded press briefing with journalists from Hello! Ok! Take a Break and Sky Broadband magazines, held in President Karzai's state back yard at 4 Main Street, Kabul, behind Sam an' Ellas Kebab House.
He said: "We have discovered the ideal way of flushing out the Taliban from their caves, plotting sheds and mosques. His Royal Princeness will lead the advance where troop will charge at Taliban strongholds holding photographs of naked, well-known female celebrities, including Kylie Minogue, Charlotte Church, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Amy Winehouse and that fine specimen of a young woman from behind the bar in EastEnders.
"However, don't think we're going soft! Oh No! Pictures of Miss Piggy, Pinky and Perky may be utilised should there be undue Taliban chants of "Death to Danish Cartoonists".
The League Against Cruelty to Taliban have confirmed that pictures of Amy Winehouse will not cause any undue harm to the assassins, bombers and general bad-assed towel-heads within the Taliban.
As a measure of equality, there will also be pictures of Ricky Gervaise and the St Paul's Cathedral Boys Choir for those Taliban who either swing both ways or prefer the company of young boys.
The other issue to troops will be magnums of Bollinger, providing a unique three-featured weapon in close combat against the Taliban - firstly the cork, when the magnum is shaken, can exit the bottle with such force as to temporarily blind the opposition; secondly the contents, being alcoholic, will ward off any particularly religious Taliban; and finally, the bottle itself, is suitable for either "lamping" individual Taliban, or, under instruction from the Prince, can be smashed against a convenient rock allowing the user to "glass" the opposition in a similar fashion to the altercations that break out on city streets in the UK following an evening of binge drinking or attencance at a premiership football match.
"We are also pleased that the Prince was able to bring some of his night club accomplices to teach our troops the new rebel yells - "OK Yar", "Fnar Fnar", "Tally Ho Chaps" and "That stupid bint Tara Palmer Tomkinson" have proven to be special favourite yells of the platoon." he finished.
