CPA Information Minister condemns Iraqi insurgents: "God will roast their stomachs in hell"

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Sunday, 11 April 2004

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CPA Information Minister Markhammed Knuckleheead al-Kimmitt

The Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA) Information Minister Markhammed Knuckleheead al-Kimmitt today denied that insurgents control large areas of Iraq. In response to reports of a coordinated insurgent attack upon Baghdad International Airport, Brig. Gen. al-Kimmitt claimed "We have retaken the airport. There are no insurgents there. I will take you there and show you. In one hour!"

Briefing reporters at the press centre in the CPA-controlled Green Zone, Brig. Gen. al-Kimmitt was adamant that reports of insurgents roaming the streets of the capital were false. He said "Today I have visited whole Baghdad city, no insurgents found. You go and see how we have ousted them from this city. They are crying outside and waiting to receive bullets. They will be killed shortly. I triple guarantee you, there are no insurgents in Baghdad."

The Information Minister continued, "My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all. Our initial assessment is that they will all die". Despite the obvious scepticism of many reporters, Brig. Gen. al-Kimmitt revealed a startling new American strategy to defeat the insurgents: the coalition hopes they will commit suicide. "I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."

Brigadier General al-Kimmitt ridiculed the claims of the Sadr militia to control the streets of western Baghdad, saying: "Who are in control, they are not in control of anything - they don't even control themselves!"

A report on al-Jazeera television that coachloads of militants were heading for the capital was dismissed in similarly certain fashion. According to al-Kimmitt, "By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them.... Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled. God will roast their stomachs in hell."

The outlandish claims of the Information Minister have already raised eyebrows amongst journalists in Iraq. He has even developed a cult following on the Internet, with many websites devoted to him.

In an apparent attempt to reassure the public of the truthfulness of his claims, al-Kimmitt told reporters at the briefing: "Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Georgam Busshein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honour and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts."

The Information Minister concluded his briefing with the following upbeat analysis: "We made them drink poison last night and Georgam Busshein's soldiers and his great forces gave the insurgents a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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