Old Whores Almanack 2008 claims Skeptics Society's £1 million prize

Funny story written by queen mudder

Sunday, 30 December 2007

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All in the stars: January 1st 2008 the pivotal Day of Judgement

London - (Bad Ass Mess): Paranormal soothsaying website Old Whores Almanack 2008 has risen to the challenge thrown down by the International Skeptics Society to predict an Armageddon-like disaster to hit the UK on New Year's Day 2008.

"And what's more we're sticking our necks out this time to claim the £1 million prize for the most deadly prediction gleaned solely from interpreting the astrology of fate," the website's CEO Mystic Sadie said today.

The site has a long hystery of almost getting it right.

But it is now backing all its hunches after installing new astrology software that compares the star charts of over one million public figures' with a recently deciphered encryption code hidden in the Book of Revelation.

However this cuts no ice with Barry Williams, executive officer of the Society's Australian branch.

"January 1st 2008 to be the apocalyptic disaster day predicted in the Bible? Don't make me laugh!" Williams guffawed in an interview today.

"For over 30 years we've tested more than 1000 people who claimed to be able to predict specific events after offering up a £1 million bounty.

"Needless to say we've never once had to fork out.

"Call me a cynical old bugger. We know they are all frauds. And that includes this pathetic attempt by Old Whores Almanack 2008! Who the hell are they anyway?"

Meanwhile at the Strawberry Hill, South London orifices of the Old Whores' website a real party atmosphere prevails as top astrologers prepare to unveil their top January 1st 2008 claims.

These include:

    Death of the Puppet Monarch: heart attack or seizure suspected after somebody secretly swaps all her YouTube Royal Video Nasties Channel footage for images of young Wills and Harry caught in flagrente delicto performing acts of gross indecency with Buck House flunkies.

    90% of all House of Windsor celebs: arrested and charged with IRA atrocities, fraud, theft, ebmezzlement and leeching off the UK taxpayer.

    Charles and Camilla: charged with treason, hiring Osama and most of the so-called UK home-grown terrists.

    Gorgon Brown, Tony Blair, David Cameron: Ditto treason, membership of the IRA and inflicting 'cruel and unusual' arocities on the British taxpayer through their patronage of hideous self-publicists like chefs Gordon Ramsay and Marco Pierre White.

    Madonna: and gargoyle husband Gut Ritchie: charged with spying for Russia's Vladimir Sputum and stealing the Wiltshire mansion Ashcombe House.

    JK Rowling: arrested and charged with multiple counts of terrorism as well as theft of all seven Harry Potter stories plus campaign of vilifcation against real HP author.

    Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney: see JK Rowling, similar charges relating to song copyright authorship claims.

    House of Lords' Baroness Ashton and Baroness Amos: Treason and multiple terrorism charges.

    Roman Abramovich: seized by Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency, all assets frozen. Charged with theft of Chelsea Football Club.

    Ex-UK Prime Monsters Margaret Thatcher and John Major: Ditto Brown/Blair/Cameron.

Old Whores Almanack 2008 says it bases its predictions on the transits of the Sun, Mercury and Jupiter in the sign of Capricorn.

"Added to which we take the opposition of the retrograde Mars in Gemini to Pluto in Sagittarius as the bursting point of the pus-filled abcess that is the Puppet Monarchy," Mystic Sadie added, a twinkle in her eye.

"We're pretty confident we'll get out million quid prize money this time round."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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